


Warm Walkers

by r_is_thinking



Category: The Walking Dead (Comics), The Walking Dead (TV), Warm Bodies (2013), Warm Bodies - All Media Types
Genre: Carl has two eyes, Carl is Julies character, Carl is bisexual, Carl is like wtf, Enid is Noras character, F/M, M/M, My first M / M, Please don´t hate me, R adores Carl, R is gay I guess, Ron is Perrys character, This Is STUPID, enjoy., what is this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-08-31
Packaged: 2018-09-20 11:07:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9488426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r_is_thinking/pseuds/r_is_thinking
Summary: While Walker R along with other Walkers are out hunting for food, they encounter Carl Grimes and a group of his friends. But when R eats the brains of Carl´s boyfriend Ron, something changes inside of him.He rescues Carl from the rest of the pack by wiping some blood on his face, masking his scent, and takes him back to an airplane he resides in at the airport to keep him safe.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Carina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carina/gifts).



> Hello.  
> I have no idea, if anyone is interested in something like that. I´ve just never read anything like it. And I will only continue writing if anyone is enjoying this at all.  
> Please give me your feedback and tell me what you think about it.

What am I doing with my life?

I´m so pale.

I should go out more. I should eat better. My posture is terrible. I should stand up straighter. People would respect me more, if I stood up straighter.

What´s wrong with me? I just wanna connect. Why can´t I connect with people?

Oh right, it´s cause I´m dead.

I wish I could introduce myself, but I don´t remember my name anymore. I mean, I think it started with an R, but that´s all I have left. I can´t remember my name, my parents or my job - although my old hoodie and jeans would suggest I was unemployed.

Along with other Walkers, that´s how we´re called by the people, we eat, I live in an abandoned airport. I even have my own airplane, stuffed with things, I find on my hunting trips. I don´t know, how many years I´ve been this way. I´m not sure I wanna know.

It could be worse. There are those skeleton creatures, we call Boneys. We all become them someday. At some point, you just give up, I guess. You lose all hope. After that, there´s no turning back.

I feel pretty lonely most of the time. I feel lost. I want more than this, I feel trapped inside my own cold body.

At least I have a best friend. He´s called M, and usually we just sit or stand around, groaning and staring awkwardly at each other. Sometimes, we even found words.

Today is one of these days. "H-Hung...ry.", I groan softly, gazing at Ms pale, scarred face and into his silver eyes.

"C-City.", he replies, and I nod.

Traveling together makes sense, especially when everyone and their grandmother is trying to shoot you in the head all the time. And it´s not difficult to find other Walkers, who are hungry. Someone is always hungry. As we slowly make our way into the city and towards a walled-off community with some name I can´t remember, I feel something inside me, I can´t quite recall. A feeling, that something is going to be different this time, I think.


	2. Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa!  
> Hey everyone!  
> I´m so happy you seem to like this story so far.  
> I have to admit, I´m not into TWD as much as I´m into Warm Bodies. But my best friend is, and she helps me with the characters.  
> As you probably already thought, Carl still has two eyes. The whole thing with Negan won´t happen, and Ron is (at the beginning of the chapter at least) still alive. I hope you like his background with Carl as well, I haven´t read any Fanfictions about TWD so this is kinda experimental. So yeah, please tell me what you think about it.  
> Plus, the sequel to Warm Bodies, "The Burning World" is really good. R remembers his past life there, so you should preorder it (Comes out on February 7th) or buy the already available eBook.  
> Have a great day!

As we walk trough the destroyed city, I can't help but wonder what it'd be like to be a human.

Not in an post-apocalyptic world, though. No, in my dreams I run trough forests, I stand in small rivers and feel the cold water between my toes. I enjoy lunch with friends, I kiss people with passion.

I miss being alive, even though I have no memories of my past.

Pain, joy, fear, love. It's all a blur. Maybe my life wasn´t that great? How should I know. Anything would be better than being a Walker, let me tell you.

Everyone thinks, we´re monsters. But... The truth is, we just want to be able to _feel_ again.

You know, that´s why we always go for the brains of the people we kill. If we eat them, we can see fractions of their past lives, little pieces, mostly just few pictures.

These memories light up my rotten brain, makes my eyes see things, makes me feel emotions, I´ll never feel myself again. Usually it´s people celebrating, fighting.

And making love.

That's why I prefer the brains of male humans.

M knows my - I'm not sure what to call it. My interests? My orientation? I don't even know what I was like in my past life. M does sometimes make fun of me, but he's okay with it. I was actually really afraid of telling him about it, but it turned out I didn't had to. He and I are not only best friends, but also hunting partners. So he kinda noticed, that I always choose males over females, when I kill. He knows, that I never would make a move to him though. We´re just friends. Besides, he´s way too old for me. Okay, we don´t remember how old we are, but he looks like he´s in his late 30s, while I look more like I´m in my early 20s.

When I look at the other Walkers, I do wonder sometimes, why most of them look more... _dead_ than others, like M and me. Some of them run around with their organs hanging out of their bodies. Some of them don´t even have limbs. That´s usually when they start to become Boneys. I´ve seen some of them peeling their skin off. Revealing their old, dried bones with pieces of brown flesh still clinging onto what´s left. It´s really disgusting. Okay, I do eat brains and everything else from my victims too, so who am I to judge?

Don't get me wrong, I don't like hurting people. But this is the world now.

And if I have to kill in order to eat and survive, I also can make the best out of it. So I mostly pick young men, like me, even though their vivid memories are often about girls. But at least I can see the world, like it was and like it is now, from their perspective.

These are my thoughts, as me and my friends suddenly all come to stop in the middle of the street. I close my eyes and I can smell them - at least half a dozen humans, probably searching for medicals in a long abandoned hospital. I look at M, he nods, a crooked grin on his face, that makes him look even more threatening.

My body is driven forward by need, desperate hunger, that I suddenly can feel everywhere. It´s not only in my stomach. It´s everywhere. I have to eat. Now.

As I push the door open to the little labor, I hear screams and try to grab the boy in front of me with dirty blonde hair, his face strained with fear and panic - but he uses the bottom of his rifle to knock me out and I go to the ground. Then he jumps on one of the counters, screaming something. I hear my friends going after the other humans - some of us get shot in the head, and drop to the ground. There are always victims. As long as it´s not M, I don´t really care.

A bit disoriented, but not seriously hurt - sometimes it´s quite helpful, that I don´t feel pain at all - I prop up on one elbow and that´s when I see him.

Blue eyes, staring at what seems like nothing, kneeling on the floor. He´s not tall, way smaller than me. But despite his height he looks strong, he´s a fighter. He fires at the Walkers with despair, his face shows nothing of his emotions, only his mouth - his lips are his best features next to his eyes and his brown hair - shows his anger, his fear of losing his friends, maybe his family? But there are only a couple of humans in the room, all young people, two girls and three boys. We outnumber them easily. The boy knows it as much as we all know it - he´s as dead as the rest of his group.

But something about him...  
For years, I´ve felt nothing but loneliness and hunger and anger.

In this very moment, I feel something different. I am curious.

All of this happens in just a few seconds. I slowly get up, still staring at him. He shoots a female Walker in the head, then takes shelter behind a counter to reload his rifle.

_I just want to know-_

Bam.

I flinch as I feel a bullet entering my right shoulder.

The boy that knocked me out earlier. I stare at him, all of the sudden unbelievable angry at him. I felt something different, and he destroyed the moment.

I have to kill him for doing that.

He still points his gun at me, but he doesn´t shoot. That was his mistake. "Smile, mother-", he mumbles, but it´s too late.

I grab his legs, slam him on the table and drag him to the ground. He screams, but I don´t care. As I grab his curly hair and slam his head on the hard ground, I forget about everything. I forget who I am, I forget that I will regret this later, as I always do.

I become the monster humans think I am. Soon his cries and screams go quiet, and he´s dead.

As I hear the crack of his skull, I grin. Greedily I shovel his brains out of his head and into my mouth.

I close my eyes as I chew and I become someone else.

I get lost in the memories, and now I´m not a nameless Walker, I´m ... I´m Ron Anderson.

***

I´m Ron Anderson and I didn´t have an easy life. Being abused by my crazy father, I got raised being afraid of everything. I always tried to protect my younger brother Sam, who luckily didn´t get hurt by our father at all. And the apocalypse made everything worse. It´s one thing being afraid of your own father - but being afraid of being eaten by Walkers, everyday for the rest of your life? There were times when I thought, it would be easier just to kill myself. But I couldn´t do that to my brother or mother.

Me and my family just managed to get into this safe zone called Alexandria. After weeks, I finally managed to sleep more than a few hours a piece. For years I didn´t feel so safe. And even though, I still feel my fathers burning gaze on me, as if he wants to warn me, that I will never be safe again - I feel safe. He still hits me, in the dark, at night, when nobody´s around. But I have the feeling, something will change. Finally, something will change.

***

I take another bite, I don´t want to return to being myself again... I wanna be...

***

I´m Ron Anderson and I´ve fallen in love for the first time. She has brown, long hair and big green eyes - like a deer, always staring at me with a stiff emotion. But I know she´s different. I´ve followed her, watched her. Her names Enid, and I think she likes me too.

***

Another bite. There are still screams and fighting noises in the background, but I don´t care. I want to know if...

***

I´m Ron Anderson and my dad just got executed by Rick. He and his group are not as long in Alexandria as my family, but they already changed so much. Everything happened so fast...

He killed another man. He deserved his death.

But still, I can´t help but crying, all by myself. Enid doesn´t understand me. Nobody does... I don´t want to do this anymore...

"Ron?" As I look up, with puffy eyes and red cheeks - I hate it, how I look after crying - I see Carl. Rick´s son. He´s nice, but right now, I really don´t want any company. Plus, he seems really interested in Enid... And I have no idea how I am supposed to outplay Carl in any way, I mean, look at him...

"Leave me alone..", I mumble, as I look away from him and on the dirty ground. I love my new home, but sometimes it feels more like a cage than the safe heaven it is. I like hiding in abandoned houses, sometimes I even stay there overnight. It helps me stop thinking about certain things.

"What´s wrong?", he asks, not willing to leave, of course not. I say nothing, and minutes pass. When I think he finally gives up and goes away, he´s suddenly sitting next to me on the ground, closer than I expected.

I flinch a bit, still not used to people being so close to me, when they don´t want to hit me. Maybe Enid thinks I am weird because of this... I know I am weird. Nobody will ever love me, when I keep being like this. But as much as I want to, it seems like I can´t change who I am.

I´ve never talked to anyone about what my father did.

So I couldn´t be more surprised when my mouth suddenly opens and I tell Carl everything.  
We talk for the rest of the night.

***

I swallow, I know, it´s gonna be over any moment. But I press my eyelids together, I want to get lost again. These memories are nothing like I ever experienced any: So vivid, so real, so...

***

It was Enid´s idea to play this stupid game. Spin-The-Bottle, but with kissing. I protested several times - there weren´t enough kids in Alexandria anyway, only Enid, Lydia, Carl and me. Sam was too young to play this game, fortunately. I wouldn´t want to kiss my own brother.

But despite my protests, we´re sitting in a circle in one of the abandoned houses.

Lydia is first. She smiles when the bottle points at Enid, then kisses her shortly on the mouth. Enid turns red, Carl chuckles softly and I glance at him.

Since that day I told him about my father, we became... friends. Good friends. But there is something I can´t explain, something more and I´m afraid and I...

Enid spins the bottle and it points at Carl.  
I freeze. My face goes white and I stare at the bottle, I stare at the ground, but I´m too afraid to look in Carl´s direction. I don´t want to see this, I don´t want to hear her laugh, don´t want to hear Lydia whispering at me what´s wrong. I don´t answer.

"All right." Carl says, I can hear that he is grinning. He leans in closer to Enid, I can see it from the corner of my eye and I want to scream.  
My eyes burn, my stomach hurts. It feels like I´m dying and I don´t understand why.

I don´t want Enid to kiss Carl. But isn´t it supposed to be the other way? _Why am I not angry at Carl?_  
It doesn´t make sense.

Finally it´s over.

Suddenly, everyone's quiet and I look up, see the bottle pointing at my direction.  
I stare at Carl. His eyes are so blue, how can they be so ...

He smiles. Before I can say anything, his lips are on mine and it feels so right.

***

Carl... It´s him. The boy with the brown hair and blue eyes.  
I feel something. I know I shouldn´t be able to feel it but I do.

I can´t name it but... I´m afraid that...

Without thinking, I shovel the remains of Ron´s brain in my hoodie pocket and get up.

"Ron?! Where are you?"

When I see he - Carl - is still alive - apparently with no ammunition left, but alive, a new emotion comes to me, as unexpected as the curiosity and the ... concern?

I´m _relieved._

Lydia is lying on the floor, being eaten by three Walkers. Sam - I feel a strange sting in my chest - is also dead, his eyes still open as his body is being disjointed.  
I can´t see Enid anywhere.

But my friends are still hungry, one Walker is trying to bite Carl´s arm, but he simply uses his gun to knock him out. With a second swing, he crushes the Walkers skull.

I slowly walk towards him, Ron´s blood trickles from my lips, when I whisper: "C-Caa... arl..."

He stares at me. His gun, useless from the distance, drops to the ground. I can´t follow his movements that fast, but all of the sudden he throws a knife towards me.

I try not to look too hurt when it hits my neck, even though I feel no pain. I pull it out of my flesh and drop it.

He doesn´t want to show his fear, but his lips are trembling. I dont´t want to frighten him, but I walk towards him until he backs up against the counter.

"C-Carl...", I stutter again, it feels so good to say his name. But I have to be careful - I hear a hiss and look behind me. M and the others finished their meals, but they can smell Carl -

 _He can´t be killed._ I have to protect him, I don´t know where this feeling is coming from, but it´s there.

It´s the first time I can resist the urge to kill and eat the living.

Tears shimmer in his eyes as I smear my dark cloggy blood on his face. He flinches, his eyebrow twitch in confusion - he doesn´t understand what I´m doing.I don´t understand what makes me do this, but I do it because I have to hide his scent from the other Walkers. It works. M and the others sniff cautiously, but they forget easily, and they´re not curious about anything.

I get up, carefully pulling Carl up. He stares at me, but he doesn´t fight me. "S-safe... C-come...", I tell him, pulling him with me to follow the others.

From the corner of my eye I see a snow globe sitting on a shelf. Without thinking, I grap it and put it in my pocket.

We go home, back to the airport.

A bunch of Walkers and a living person.  
_Carl._


	3. Patience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well well well, hello!  
> I can´t believe how many of you read this story. But I´m really happy about it, so here, the next chapter!  
> I´m really bad with chapter titles btw.

_I don´t know what I´m doing._   
_What´s wrong with me?_

I stare at Carl as I nudge him gently towards the main entrance of the airport building. He jerks and gives me a warning look, his blue piercing eyes tell me to get off. I drop my gaze, unable to explain him, why I took him with me.

_These other Walkers would never bring a living person home. And you know why? ´Cause that´s crazy. Right now, they think he´s just another one of us._

_A new edition to our gruesome family._

_But they would think I was insane. If they could think..._

_Why do I have to be so weird? What am I doing?_

We walk past the security check, and the Walker of a security guard waves his old metal detector at us. Every time, since I´ve "lived" here, the guard does this single motion.

I ask myself if he ever wonders about what he´s doing. _Does he ever not stand there?_ He probably has to eat something from time to time - and with something, I mean humans. But then it seems like he always goes back to his old work place, still doing his job.

I usually wish I was as productive as he is.

But today, I don´t really care about him checking us for - for what exactly? I should know this, right? Whatever.

No, today, all I care about is the living person in front of me, and there´s one particular thought in my head, that I can´t get out of my mind.

_I have to take care of him. He mustn´t get killed... he just... can´t._

Luckily, with my dark blood on his face and his adjusted walk, we manage to get to my plane safely.

His shoulders shake slightly, when I climb the stairs and open the door of the plane. Is he afraid? Or is he just cold, his long-armed, blue plaid shirt doesn´t protect him from the apparently cold wind, that makes his hair falling in his face. The coldness I´m not able to feel anymore.

He looks at me the again. The look in his eyes is also cold - so cold, I feel a funny feeling in my chest for a moment. _What´s going on with me?_ Then he turns around, as if accepting his situation and enters my lonely bachelor´s den.

"H-home...", I tell him quietly, try to comfort him somehow by touching his still trembling shoulder. But he flinches even more than before, and I understand. No touching. _Okay, I just kidnapped him and ate his boyfriend... what he apparently didn´t notice._ Fortunately. But I can´t blame him for being a bit repellent.

Carl bites his lip, gives the door one last desperate stare, but then goes down the aisle and huddles together on one of the seats. Ready to fight me, if I try anything, I guess.

_How can I make clear that I want nothing but to get him know better and to take care of him?_

I remember the snow globe in my pocket. Carefully I pull it out and shuffle to the luggage rack in the middle of the plane. There are already several other snow globes as well as other useless items, collected over probably a really long time. I stare at the fake snow floating around in the globe as I plant it on the rack.

As speaking is not one of my greatest skills, I simply sit down on the seat opposites Carl, with enough distance to give him some personal space. _Maybe I can try to look a bit less frightening?_ I try to comb my messy black hair and look at him uneasily. He doesn´t look scared, but he´s definitely pissed. With his arms crossed, his body turned away from me, but his eyes always on me, he doesn´t look like he wants to have a long chat with me.

But I give it a shot anyways. _What else is there to do at the moment?_

"N-not... eat.", I try to explain. I notice that I unintentionally leaned forward, towards him. I gaze at him, fascinated by his little snort he gives me instead of an answer. Then he closes his eyes, his lips mumble something I can´t decipher. He looks almost peaceful. _What is he thinking?_

"K-keep you... s-safe.", I continue, and he opens his eyes and looks at me. Maybe he´s wondering how a Biter is able to speak? Or is he thinking about the actual content of my words? Anyways, he doesn´t reply. But his shoulders are still shivering, so I get up to give him one of the blankets I found in my plane, back then when it wasn´t as stuffed with things I´ve found on my hunting trips.

But this time, he flinches as if I tried to grab and bite his ankle. I freeze and stare at him motionlessly, and with horror I see another tear escaping his eye.

I know from Ron´s stolen memories, how tough Carl his. How terrified he must be, to cry in front of the Walker, who took him into an airport full of other Walkers?

_Okay, maybe I could have thought this through a little more. But I can tell when a boy needs his space._

I give him another long look, then slowly walk out of the plane and over the tarmac. I feel his gaze on my back, he´s peering through the dirty small window next to his seat.  
I´m not worried about him running away; he sees the other Biters shuffling around, here and there bumping into each other and groaning softly.

He´ll stay where he is. Safe and sound in my airplane, though it´s surrounded by hundreds of Walkers.

Without even thinking about it, I slowly walk towards the lonely garage, full of wrecked cars. But some of them are still in pretty good shape, even though I never managed to get one working.  
My favorite one is a red convertible, but don´t ask me which model it is. I spent many hours just sitting in the driver´s seat, imagining driving the car on the now shut down tarmac... in my imagination I can feel the sun on my skin and the wind ruffling my hair.

But I know these kinds of things belong to the past.

_There are a lot of ways to get to know a person better. Eating his dead boyfriend´s brains is one of the more unorthodox methods, but..._

I close my eyes, lean back in my seat and let the memory´s take over me as I chew.

***  
"So... you´re officially together?"

I hear the slight disapproval in my boyfriend´s father´s voice and squirm a little. But when Carl squeezes my hand, I manage to keep myself together and look at Rick, trying to stand my ground.

"Yep. Surprised?" Carl grins cheekily. I try not to blush, but he´s just too adorable. And he´s so brave... I could have never told my father that I´m gay. Or bi. Or whatever I am, and it doesn´t even matter. I love Carl, and he loves me, that everything that counts.  
That´s everything that counts... and I shouldn´t be afraid of people showing, how much I like Carl.

Rick gasps when I suddenly turn my head, bent downward and kiss his son hard on the lips.

But I don´t care. His beloved hat brushes my forehead when I deepen the kiss.  
***

***  
"I miss her a lot..." His voice is barely audible, but I can hear what he is saying. I love listen to his beautiful voice... Deep like the ocean, only raspy when he screams my name when we love each other, far away from everyone´s eyes. In abandoned houses and lonely barns..

But not today. Tonight it´s an evening of confessions and long talks.

I know that he misses his mom Lori. She died when she gave birth to her second child, Judith. Judith´s now half a year old, and even though Carl loves her more than anything else... sometimes I think he blames her for the death of his mother.

"I know what you mean.", I say in the same volume, stroking his velvet cheek, still free of any facial hair. Which I am thankful for, to be honest. "Even though my father did all these things..." I clear my throat, but Carl simply looks at me, and I´m able to continue speaking - "I still miss him..."

"Sometimes... I think, she would have died at some point of my life anyways... So maybe, it´s not so bad..." His voice breaks, reveals how much he really believes this things he tells me.

But I understand. I kiss the spot between his eyes. "But you have Judith... isn´t that something to be grateful for?", I ask him.

He doesn´t answer.  
***

***  
Everything was as perfect as it could get.  
At least I thought it was.

But then, something changed.  
***

I take another bite of Ron´s brain, curious about what´s going to happen. _What could disrupt the beautiful connection this perfectly matching souls made?_

***  
We saw each other less often.  
Despite living in a quite small community, Carl never was around anymore.

For a few weeks, I thought he cheated on me. But when I told him my fears, he just looked at me with this disappointed, cold look in his eyes...

"Carl... I love you...", I whispered, but he didn´t answer.  
All he did was looking at me with this cold stare.

I knew he would break up with me soon.

That day was the day I decided I didn´t want to live anymore. But I wouldn´t let anyone know that, I swore to myself. We´ll go on scavenging trip next week...

When a Walker´s going to grap and kill me, I won´t defend myself.  
***

I swallow, slowly blink a few times. Back in reality, back in my own deceasing body.

_No wonder Carl is so afraid of me... I need a different approach._

When I stumble back to my plane, the evening turned into night. Maybe Carl is already asleep, dreaming of his boyfriend and of the good old days?

Of course not. After opening the door and searching the room for a trace of brown hair and magical blue eyes, I see him, sitting on his knees in a seat, facing me.  
Ready to fight me if necessary. His fingers are clutched into strong fists. For a second I wonder where his hat is, he wore it in almost every memory I stole from Ron.

_Okay, here we go. Don´t be creepy, don´t be creepy. Don´t be creepy!_

He doesn´t say anything when I slowly walk towards him, then turn around and open the overhead locker. But I can feel his piercing gaze on my back, I can guess the questions forming behind his beautiful face.

I simply smile when I pull out one of the blankets, shake it out to remove the dust and then cover him with it.  
While doing this, I take care of not touching his skin. He really seems to dislike it when I do touch him... I can´t blame him for that, but it still makes me sad somehow.

Carl´s eyebrows twitch in confusion. He inhales a deep breath and I take a step back, looking at him expectantly. _What is he going to do?_

"Can you... just kill me already?", he finally mutters softly. I look at him sadly. I didn´t expect that... but I shouldn´t be surprised, that he still thinks I´m going to kill and eat him.

I search my rotten brain cells for some way to make him believe I won´t hurt him... Then it strikes me like a lightning bolt. Music. That´ll sooth him, I´m sure.

Sometimes music is the only thing that keeps me from becoming crazy. I don´t know how many hours I´ve spent listening to my many records.  
I don´t know where exactly I´ve found the record player I have in my plane, but I love the sound of the records, love watching the spinning. If I can´t express myself with words, maybe I can show Carl with music, that I won´t hurt him? That he just has to be... patient, even though I have no idea what´s happening to me?

_Why did I save him?_   
_Why didn´t I eat him?_

I have no idea.

But I have the perfect song in mind to calm him down for the moment.

I feel his gaze on my back as I pull out the cover from another overhead locker, then gently blow the dust from the record. I haven´t listen to this in a long time...

As the first sounds of "Patience" fill the room, I go back to the seat opposite Carl and slowly sit down on the armrest.

He still says nothing, but he bites his lip. His eyes are on me all the time.  
I close my eyes, caught by the magic of the music. Gently swaying back and forth a few times, I forget for a moment what I am. I forget that this is not just a date between me and Carl, that I kidnapped him and eat his boyfriend...

It´s not until I hear Carl´s soft voice, that I open my eyes again and am reminded once again, that this is reality.

"What the-", he mumbles and gives me another confused look. At least it´s not as full of hate as before.

I drop into the seat, then lay back and exhale heavily. I´ve never felt so peaceful in my so-called life... _What is it about Carl that makes me feel so good in my dead body?_

When his eyes involuntary close and he slowly falls asleep, I can´t help but smile. He looks so... _beautiful._ His hair falls into his face and his lips opened in his sleep, and his entire body is still turned at my direction.

When I hear the singer´s voice reaching my ears, I turn my head and stare into space.

At this second, as impossible as it may sound, I could swear my dead heart makes a single, deep beat.


	4. Pretending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the Kudos and the comments! I really appreciate it! :)  
> Hope you like the chapter, have a great weekend!

I spend the rest of the night watching Carl as he sleeps. As boring this might sound, it´s actually really fascinating and somehow... soothing to me.

As I - being dead and so on - am not able to sleep, I can´t help being a little jealous of him. How peaceful the look on his face is.  
Even though I wish I could see his wonderful blue eyes again - if they wouldn´t be full of hate and anger towards me all the time - right now, I´m absolutely satisfied, that I just can look at him. Through my own, rotten eyes, not through stolen memories of Ron.

 _How can a human be so perfect?_ I can´t help wonder this, as I involuntarily lean towards him, my eyes wide open with fascination and ...

affection?

I know, I shouldn´t be able to feel these things. Sympathy, the urge to keep Carl safe, loss for Ron´s brother Sam... I´m dead. And as far as I know, I´ve been dead long enough to know the rules.  
But it seems like everything I thought I knew is wrong.

Slowly the night fades and the sun shines through the small windows of my plane; its light makes Carl´s hair less dark.  
I have to gulp, when I see how he turns his face in his sleep towards the window. I know, he wants nothing more than to return to his home; to his family.

Well, maybe he also wants to see Ron alive again... My stomach suddenly feels like its in my mouth. Slowly I look away from Carl, as if I´m afraid he´ll vanish when I look away. I hastily check the inserts of my hoodie pocket, even though Carl is still asleep. His boyfriend´s brains are still there, greasy and cold at the touch of my fingers. But surprisingly, I´m not hungry at all. Maybe it´s because I ate yesterday, but...

When I look at Carl, I feel a thousand of confusing things. But hunger is none of those feelings.

Suddenly I hear a small sigh and my head jerks back to Carl. He presses his eyelids together, as if he doesn´t want to wake up. As if he doesn´t want to escape the sweet silence of sleep, as if his dreams are more bearable than the reality.

 _Which they probably are_ , I think sadly.

But Carl loses the fight with his consciousness, and he eventually wakes up.

At first, it looks like he forgot where he is - but then, his gaze falls on me and I suddenly realize that I´m staring at him like a complete idiot.

I fall back in my seat and a little groan escapes my lips. I don´t wanna know what he thinks of me now. I still watch him trough the corner of my eyes, I can´t resist.

But he just sighs in exasperation and pushes the blanket I gave him away. He runs his hand through his hair, and I have to look at him properly again. The way his hair now sticks up in all directions...

"What are you looking at, asshole?"

I drop my gaze, unable to reply to this rude question. Not that I don´t deserve this harsh treatment, I did kill his boyfriend.  
I feel his eyes on my face, his gaze burns me, it´s like he´s able to read my mind and as if he knows all my dark secrets.

Finally he looks away and my head turns back to him, it moves without my permission. He stares through the window down at the - for now - empty tarmac, and suddenly it´s like _I_ know what he´s thinking. _He wants to get away from me as soon as possible._

I don´t know why, but I feel another sting in my chest. _Am I that bad of a company?_ Well, actually I am. But still.  
I fill my dead lungs with enough air to speak and say:  
"N-not... s-safe."

Carl turns his head and snorts again. "Not safe? Sure. And in this fucked-up plane with a Walker inside it´s totally safe, right?"

I try not to flinch and slowly stand up, raising my hands in a - hopefully - peaceful gesture. "M´not... l-like..." My throat struggles to get the words out and I give up, staring at him unblinking. Even if I could speak, I´m not sure what I´d say. That I´m not like the other Walkers? I may be different, but I´m still killing people, so...

His gaze flies back and forth, from the door to the window and then to me again. I don´t know why, but suddenly an almost... sneaky expression flares up in his eyes. But as fast as I see this, it disappears again.

"But I´m like... starving. You gotta go and get me some food.", he says, slowly, as if I was mentally retarded. Okay, I may be a Biter, but I´m definitely not dumb. I think.  
And I know it´s a trap, what else could it be. And yet...

When Carl looks at me like this with big eyes, his lips slightly opened and his hair falling constantly in his eyes - like my own shaggy hair falls in my eyes all the time - and then he opens his mouth again and says silently: "...please?" - I´m defenseless.

All I can do is nod, turn around and walk towards the airport door. In my head something screams: _Are you crazy? He´ll try to run away from you, like every human does. You´ll lose him before you can..._

I pause, frowning about my own thoughts. _Before I can what?_  
But I get no answer from my inner voice, so I just continue walking.

Before I´m completely out of the door, I turn around once again. Carl is still staring at me with this sharp eyes, but now there´s something else. Hesitance? Remorse?

Maybe he won´t try to sneak away from me. But nevertheless, I raise a shaky hand to express with a gesture what I can´t say with words - _Stay here_. He doesn´t say anything, but he bits his lower lip, avoiding my gaze. _What is he thinking?_

With a silent sigh I finally exit the airplane and stumble down the stairs. I feel Carl's gaze on my back, he´s watching me through the windows, but I don´t turn around. I have to get food, human food quickly. Indeterminate I walk towards the airport building, trying to search my hazy memories for something useful - Haven´t I seen some cans of food at the airport bar, where M likes to hang around usually? For a brief moment, I´m wondering where he is. Is he asking himself, why I didn´t come to our usual meetings after hunting trips? No, I don´t think so. It´s not like he would forget me instantly, like the other Biters do. But he gives me personal space, like I do vice versa.

If he knew I´m busy treating a young human male, I somehow didn´t eat and rescued, he would... I honestly don´t know what he´d do. I´m not sure I wanna know.

My thoughts wander without my control back to Carl.

He _talked_ to me. Like... Like I wasn´t dead. Like I was a real person. He said _"Please"_. Why bothering being polite to a - like Carl would say it - fucking Walker? I´m totally confused, as usually. I don´t understand him, even though I want to. I want to get to know him better, not trough Ron´s second-hand memories though. After only one day it feels like he´s the most important thing in... my so-called life.

_I want to-_

I stop.

This smell... It´s Carl. Outside the plane. Not good. I turn around as fast as possible and awkwardly run back to the tarmac.

Luckily I can track him by his scent, that strange cinnamon but also fresh smell of life - I never met a human who smelled so lovely to me. He´s still alive - otherwise I would smell his blood, not his scent. But for how long? I force my legs to move faster, almost tripping as a result.

I feel extremely relieved but also somehow hurt when I see his blue-brown features - He really tried to run away from me. Am I that unbearable? Probably yeah, but... I saved him, something happened to me, he can´t just leave me...

He´s crouching under a plane next to my own plane, and he looks into the opposite direction. As I come closer quickly I see why - Half a dozen Walkers in the distance, sniffing and groaning softly.

If Carl tries to run away, he´ll be most likely dead in a few seconds. I almost panic when I realize this. But then I finally reach the plane, drop down next to Carl and touch his shoulder without thinking. I startle as he flinches back and jerkily turns around. His eyes are wide open - he´s terrified. But for some reason... His fear seems to be directed more to the nearing Biters than to myself. Or am I imagining things now?

"D-don´t... r-run...", I whisper and my voice cracks, but that´s not so important right now. He doesn´t reply, but he nods shortly.

I know he won´t like this, but I have no choice. For the hopefully last time I smear my now almost dried blood on his face and neck. But he´s brave this time - Carl doesn´t even flinch, but he bites his lips. I check the Biters behind us again - they move less fast, but they´re still approaching the plane, under which we hide.

As I lean in closer, I suddenly notice how close he is - I can see the little freckles on his cheeks and nose.

I pull myself together and sniff cautiously - his smell is sadly yet fortunately gone. Then I hesitantly grab his arm and pull him up, after adding softly: "C-come." I trust him that he won´t try to bail, he´s not stupid. He was just desperate and thought the tarmac was clear...

Now I just have to convince him to trust me. For what reason, I´m not sure, but I feel the urge to protect and look after him stronger than ever. We´ll return to my plane, I can get him some food and then...

But as I guide him up and out from under the plane, and I let his arm go, so that he won´t feel uncomfortable, I freeze - and Carl escapes a little grasp. A whole horde of Walkers are in front of us, staring in space with their strange, grey irises. They can´t smell him, but if he makes any sudden moves...

I swallow, bend down to Carl and say: "B-be dead..." As he´s staring at me like I´m absolutely insane, I stretch my arms straight ahead and moan a little exaggerated. "O-Okay?", I ask, gazing at him almost pleading. He nods again, copies my posture and follows me through the horde of Walkers. _Carl isn´t too bad in acting like a Biter,_ I notice. _Did he pretend being dead before?_ I don´t know what terrible things he already experienced in his short life. I shrug the thought off and instead think of something completely different...

The way he groans - completely innocent, he´s only thinking about surviving right now - remembers me of Ron´s vivid memories. This would have made me blush instantly if I were a human. God, I´m such a freak, apart from being dead.

Occasionally Walkers are bumping into us, but apart from that we cross the Dead without incident. After bringing enough distance between us and the horde, I can´t help but mutter, still a little mad about the fact, he tried to fool me (which he achieved.): "T-told you... n-not... s-s-safe." I´m really not used to speak so much, and now I´m embarrassing myself with stuttering around.  
Carl snorts. "Alright..." He shots me a look, then he suddenly lowers his still raised arms and blushes a little, as if he´d forgotten them. I lower them too, and gave him an awkward, lopsided smile. I can´t remember the last time I smiled. Probably it was when I was a human... Again I wish I could remember something from my former life.

He doesn´t smile back, he just looks away to the ground, but I could swear I´ve seen a very small smile forming on his lips.

He sighs silently, looks at me again and crosses his arms while continuing walking. "Okay, but I´m really hungry though..."

* * *

 

We eventually found some food at the airport bar, as I assumed. Luckily M wasn´t there, and the other Corpses passed us without looking at Carl twice.

I´m happy about that, of course I am, but I can´t help wonder - _Why can´t they see how special he is? How alive, how pretty... and so very not dead?_

I found some scissors, a spoon and a - at least apparently - clean bowl in my plane. I can´t even remember picking those things up, but they are quite handy for Carl. I have trouble following his fast movements as he opens a can of baked beans and pours the food out. He sits down on a seat in the middle of the plane and begins eating immediately. "Oh my god, this is amazing.", he says more to himself. I stare at him in fascination.

Suddenly he stops chewing and looks up to me, and I realize I´m standing in front of him and watching him eat, like it´s the most impressing thing that ever happened to me.

_Oh no! Stop staring, you´re acting weird again!_

I turn around jerkily, then I suddenly have one of my few flashes of inspiration. The refrigerator.

And really, there are still some closed bottles in the small fridge next to the exit, in the rear-end of the plane. Almost determined I take one - without trying to decipher the label; I can´t read anyways. I go back to Carl and offer him the bottle silently.

He looks actually surprises, and I can see the beginning of a grin on his face. "You have beer? Well... Thank you." Carl takes the beer, and I notice how he avoids to touch my hands. I can´t blame him, plus I´m still on cloud nine because he thanked me for giving him a drink. I hesitantly sit down on the ground opposite him and I can´t stop staring at him - how he opens the bottle with the handle of the scissors, how his larynx moves as he drinks...

He sets the bottle down on the little table attached to the seat and wipes over his mouth with the back of his hand. "I can´t remember the last time I had a beer." Now he really has to grin shortly and I feel a warm feeling in my chest as he looks at me like this.  
"Guess you can´t be all that bead, you weird Walker."

I lean forward and stutter slowly: "M-my... n-name..."

Carl puts the spoon down and gives me a surprised look. "You have a _name_?"

I nod, but I already wish I didn´t say anything. When he asks: "So what are you called?", I close my eyes and concentrate.

"Rrrrrrrr...", I mumble and take a deep breath. "Rrrr..." It´s hopeless. I open my eyes again and look at him embarrassed. But to my amazement, he doesn´t look annoyed. He looks... curiously. "Does your name start with R?"

I nod, avoiding his gaze.

But Carl surprises me for the second time. "Umm... Robert?" I tilt my head, think for a second, but then shake my head.  
"Richard? Uh, Rick?" I shake my head, shot him a glance. I know from Ron´s memories that Carl´s father is called Rick.

He sighs in frustration. "Come on, how many names with R are there? Ronald, Ryan? Ricardo?"  
I have to disappoint him again as I shake my head for the third time.

I fall back in my seat, a little sad. I really wish I had a real name, not just a dump letter...

I must have looked really depressed because Carl´s voice is softer as he speaks again. "Hey... What if I just... call you R? Better than nothing, right?" Now I have to look up and meet his gaze, I feel my face light up as another smile creeps on my pale lips. "R...", I sigh.

Either Carl is not noticing that he smiles too, or he doesn´t mind it.


	5. Few Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this finally works, I couldn´t post for days :(  
> thanks for all the kudos and comments :)

After finishing his meal, Carl leans back in his seat and stares at me.

I have no clue, what exactly is going on behind those blue eyes, but fortunately he opens his mouth and tells me: "R, I have to go home."

Oh no. I instantly shake my head, but he crosses his arms and a determined line is beginning to form between his eyes. I wish I wasn´t the reason for this line. For this disruption of his perfectness. I wish I could make all his pain disappear. But it seems more like I´m the cause of all his troubles.

"N-not s-safe..." I know I repeat myself. But I don´t know anything else to say, I don´t know what would make him stay with me...

"I get that part." He rolls his eyes. "And... Thanks for saving my life and stuff. But you can get me out of here, I know that, so..." He waves his hand towards the window and sighs.

_But he... he can´t just go home. He just got here, tell him, he has to wait... Tell him, the other Walkers will notice him_! I put all my effort in my attempted speech, but it still comes out stuttering and croaking, as usual. "H-have... to w-wait. They... They´ll n-notice...", I mumble.

He tilts his head, and he bites his lower lip again. I wonder if that´s a tick of him, but anyway, I don´t mind it.

"For how long?"

"F-few days...?", I ask, almost pleading. I can´t honestly tell if he knows I lie, but I still have hope. I can´t imagine what I would do without him... I was alone for years, but I didn´t know it differently. Now that I know Carl... Everything´s changed.

I can see in his eyes that he´s convinced, even though I have no idea why. Though I couldn´t be happier - even if our time is limited, he won´t disappear in the next days.

For a moment, no one says anything. Then he sighs. "Are there... others like you?"

He pauses, them mumbles: "I always thought all Walkers are monsters..." I shrug, not sure what he wants to hear. If he knew what I did... He wouldn´t be so nice to me. Maybe I am a monster?

"I mean... I never heard a Walker talk before. Apart from the..." He groans a little and has to grin as a result. I feel that I have to smile too, and I try to keep the warm feeling in my body, that comes along with the smile, as long as possible. Then I shrug again - M is the only one I know that talks too. But... I don´t even know what Carl exactly means with like you.

_What exactly am I?_ "Alright... Few days, huh?" He yawns, and I suddenly get a little concerned - how can I entertain him for a few days? Is he already bored because of my bad communication skills?

He had the same thoughts apparently, cause he mutters more to himself: "What am I supposed to do around here anyways..."

I stare at him and suddenly I can see it in front of my eyes, as if I ate another part of Ron´s brains: Carl in my red convertible, the wind ruffling his hair. He laughs, he´s happy. I blink even though I don´t have to, but this way the picture is gone and I can see the real Carl again. He looks at me. He examines me, he´s trying to figure out why I´m like this. But even I don´t know why I´m like this. Without a word I awkwardly stand up, shuffle to the door and look at him expectantly.

"Where are we going?", he asks curiously and stands up, after shaking his head as if he doesn´t believe what the hell he´s doing here. I just shrug again, but as he gives me a sort of annoyed look, I hastily add: "G-garage."

"Wait... are you telling me you have a car?" He chuckles softly and I nod, almost tripping on the stairs when I hear his little laugh.

* * *

 

Carl´s so different. He´s like a splash of color in my dark black and white world. So vivid, so bubbly. So alive.

"This is your car? Not bad..." I have to smile again, and I have a familiar feeling in my chest - I´ve felt like this before, yesterday. But it doubt it´s really a heartbeat.

I´m dead, there´s no way I could experience this. But Walkers shouldn´t be able to feel anything it all. Right? And I´m definitely feeling something.

Carl luckily takes the driver´s seat of the cabriolet. I have no idea how to drive, I never even managed to get the engine on. As I slowly sit down next to him and grab the seat belt, Carl has already started the car. I look at him, my mouth involuntary opened - for years I´ve been at this airport, almost every day I sat in this car, imagining how it would be to drive around - and he needs ten seconds to get the car working.

He grins when he sees my expression and buckles up his seat belt. I try to follow his example, but he already starts driving out of the garage and onto the empty tarmac, which doesn´t really help. I look up and I must have looked somehow panicking, because Carl has to laugh and he stops the car for a second.

"You should see your face right now." Without further comment or explanation, he bends over and buckles me up. He´s so close to me. I can feel his breath on my skin. Then he leans back and continues driving, and the moment is over.

And I am even more confused than before.

"This is... woah.", Carl silently says after a couple of minutes. I shot him a glance - and it´s like in my vision. Okay, he may not exactly laugh, but I can see he´s happy.

He drives the tarmac up and down, not a single Walker is visible and everything´s perfect. Or would be perfect, if I wasn´t dead and Carl´s boyfriend´s brains weren´t in my pocket. But oh well, my undead life constantly feels like a no-win situation anyways.

As I look at Carl, see how his freckles light up in the sun and how his lips part as he grins - I can forget all my problems. And something tells me, that maybe, just maybe, I can make him forget some of _his_ problems too.

Suddenly he accelerates and I´m pushed back against the seat. My eyes widen and I feel something in my stomach, something I haven´t felt for a long time as well, I think. Cause it´s a good feeling, not a bad one. I look straight ahead into the blue sky, and I close my eyes. The sun... _Maybe, if I concentrate enough, could I feel its warmth?_

"YEAH!" I startle at first, my eyes open and my head flies back to Carl - then he laughs, and I relax a bit.

"Sorry.", he chuckles, and then he looks at me in a way, that would make me blush very hard if I was human.

He smirks.

As if I wasn´t myself, as if I was Ron, like I´m in the memory of his corpse again. But this is real. I´m here, with him.

I push away my shyness, ignore my doubts and take a deep breath. "I-I wanna... try..." I look at the wheel, then at his feet and his hand, that is doing something on some kind of lever.

"Really?" Carl is still full of adrenaline, so he just grins again and makes the car stop so promptly, that my body flies forward, the seat belt pushing against me. "Alright then."

We change places, and I try not to stare at him too hard, when he brushes me softly while walking past me. He already buckled up his seat belt when I finally sit down and - and I´m kinda proud, that I manage do to that on my own - buckle myself up.

"Do you remember driving?", Carl asks curiously and I shrug. He rolls his eyes. "Do you? Cause if not, you better tell me. I don´t wanna die in a fucking car crash while the apocalypse is happening." Then he adds so softly I barely can hear him: "Wouldn´t that be ironic, killed by a Walker cause of his driving skills..."

_He´s right._ I look down and admit: "S-sorry, d-don´t remember..." I pray that this won´t be the end of our little trip. Or worse, the end of our deal, that he´ll stay a few days at the airport. That he´ll stay with me.

But suddenly the enthusiastic Carl is back and he grins. "Okay." He takes a deep breath.

* * *

I have a hard time trying to concentrate on the content of Carl´s words, not just on the sound of his voice. But eventually I understood the basics - at least I think so.

"Uhm... R. Stop. STOP." I look at him as the car jerks and finally comes to a halt. For some reason the car doesn´t work as I want it to - I clearly overrate myself.

But Carl just laughs, the sound of this makes shiver run down my spine. "You´re using two feet. The gas and the brakes. Pick one, or this won´t work."

I follow his gaze and I slowly nod, but my feet feel like rocks and everything's stiff. Being dead isn´t exactly good for your muscles and health, let me tell you. "Come on, try it. It´s not that difficult, trust me."

His reassuring voice... It´s like he could make me do anything he wants to.

Suddenly my feet work and I drive the car - far from grateful, but not as halting as before. "There you go. Told you." I don´t want to look at him, I want to make sure I won´t collide with anything - I have to take care of him. But I can´t resist.

Something in my brain twitches and I put down one hand on my knee, the other still gripping the stair wheel tightly.

What am I doing? _You look like an idiot, not like a movie star in a technicolor movie._ I´m surprised as this thought comes to me.

How the hell would I know what technicolor is, when I don´t even know how to shower or to make a sandwich? Weird. Carl interrupts my strange thoughts of brighter days and shots me an amused look.

"Two hands on the wheel buddy, I really don´t wanna be responsible for the death of this car." I would have blushed if I could, quickly gripping the wheel with two hands again. I´m such a freak. But from the corner of my eye I can see Carl smiling. And something inside me stirs - I think I´m happy.

* * *

We were actually really lucky that we didn´t ran into any Walkers at all. But as the sun rose, Carl got hungry again. I forgot how often humans have to eat.

I sit down on the floor and watch him eating in one of the seats again. I know I shouldn´t stare at him like this, but I can´t stop.

He´s busy eating, but occasionally he looks up and meets my gaze. I stopped pretending I´m not watching him a few hours ago.

After finishing his canned beans, he has enough of the silence - He clears his throat, gives me another one of those analyzing gazes and stands up. I probably should think of something to entertain him, but... As usually, my head is empty.

Carl kneels down on the floor to flip through some records, that I sorted with great effort after different criteria.

How much I like them, how often I listen to them. The colors of the covers, stuff like that. I can´t remember how often I tried to read the titles, but the words are always dancing in front of my eyes.

Carl is apparently impressed, cause he looks at me and smiles. "Bruce Springsteen, Frank Sinatra, Elbow... You have a pretty good musical taste. How did you get all these?"

_Well I had a lot of time collecting them... Stolen from luggage, stores, houses and people I ate._ But I won´t tell him this.

"I-I collect... th-things.", I mumble, avoiding his question. I want so squirm under his narrowed eyes, but he looks away and continues flipping through the covers. And I´m grateful for that.

"I can see that. This plane is... uhm, full."

I shrug.

"But why vinyl? Are Walkers not into modern technology, iPods and stuff?" I quickly shake my head. "R-Records... b-better sound. And... m-more alive." I raise my index finger and make a spinning motion in the air. Carl laughs. "Right, but... bit old-fashioned though."

I shrug.

"You really are a hoarder, do you realize that?", Carl mumbles as he takes a short look around my stuffed plane.

When I don´t respond, he turns around and looks at me questioning.

I can´t resist, I shrug again. Wrong answer. Carl sighes.

"Stop shrugging, you shrugger. That´s a really non-committed gesture, you know?" He shakes as head. I must have looked kind of apologizing, cause he rolls his eyes and stops flipping through the covers. He pulls one out and stands up.

"When I was younger, I used to think any song older than 10 years was crap." He grins to himself, and I curiously cock my head.

Ron´s memories didn´t tell me how old Carl was when the apocalypse happened... and I have no clue how many years I´ve been like this. It could be a decade or a month, it´s all the same grayness of death. But my plane would suggest I´ve been dead for a long time now, which does make me some kind of sad...

"But my taste in music improved a bit since that. Oh man... my mom used to love this song." He places the record on my player and carefully puts the needle down, and he looks sad.

I stare at him. I wish I could say something comforting; something meaningful, something important - But I know even if I tried, I´d fail.

He closes his eyes and gets lost in the music, like I´ve done it a hundred times on my own. The warm feeling in my chest won´t disappear, it´s as if as long Carl´s by my side, this condition will be permanent.

>>Got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack

I went out for a ride and I never went back

Like a river that don't know where it's flowing

I took a wrong turn and I just kept going

Everybody's got a hungry heart

Everybody's got a hungry heart

Lay down your money and you play your part

Everybody's got a hungry heart<<

"You´re right.", he mumbles without opening his eyes. "More alive..."

* * *

The next three or four days fly by like nothing I´ve experienced before.

And I think it´s honest to say it were the best few days in my whole life - or death.

I couldn´t recall the moment when I realized it - was it, when Carl suggested playing red hands, therefor touching my pale fingers multiply times?

Or was it when he offered me his bottle of beer - of course I tasted it, and as usually it felt like I tried to swallow tasteless goop, but still - and afterwards drank from it as if I wasn´t a flesh eating creature of the plague? Maybe it was when we talked about feeling lonely - or rather, he talked and I listened, occasionally throwing one or two words in or nodding in agreement.

One evening he asked if I missed being alive. I nodded strongly, my eyes wide open to make him clear how much I miss it. I think this made him really sad...

There was something so compassionate in his eyes, but I didn´t feel miserable. He even slightly touched my shoulder... It felt good.

No, I didn´t know exactly when it happened, but as I now sit down in the cockpit of my plane, looking at Carl sleeping on the floor - it´s clear to me:

I like him.

I may... I may love him.

I know it´s sounds crazy, but it´s like he brings life back to me... To my inner self, my body is as dead as always. Though I could swear my speech abilities have improved since I met Carl...

He makes me feel things I haven´t felt in years.

Either he reads to me from my big collection of books - disused for years, now I finally can appreciate there content - or we´re listening to records, playing cards (I have a difficult time learning even easy games like solitaire, it´s pretty humiliating) - I´m pretty happy all the time.

And that´s more than anything good I´ve felt for the time I´ve spent on this airport. Of course there are still problems - he doesn´t know I killed his boyfriend, he has to go home soon, I´m still dead, but both of us avoid those kind of topics. And anything could be perfect, even if Carl is sometimes annoyed by my lack of speaking and my stiff shrugs - I think, he´s kind of happy too. Kind of.

Just as I avoided thinking about it, I ignored the rising feeling in my body: Spreading from my stomach, to my limbs, to everywhere:

I´m hungry. I haven´t eaten since I brought Carl to the airport and it was okay but... It gotten so bad, that I can´t ignore it any longer.

Though I never would hurt Carl - only the thought of this makes me cringe hard - I have to eat, I know that. Luckily I still have some fragments of Ron´s brain in my pocket...

In the dim moonlight I can see even worse than usually, but even I can see that Ron´s remains have begin to get brown, old. Not as fresh as I like my brains normally. But I can´t be picky right now, and I can´t leave Carl on his own, so...

Without thinking about it, I put some pieces of the still wet, spongy brain in my mouth and chew.

And I instantly get paid with memories. I sigh, thankful for the brightness and vividness of the vision. I close my eyes and enjoy the show, as always.

But this time, it´s different.

***

"What the fuck´s wrong with you?!"

Enid yells at me, but I don´t answer. I have nothing to say to here.

She exhales loudly, grabs my shoulders and shakes me slightly. I look up, frowning. "Get your hands off me.", I mumble.

"I know what you´re thinking. I´m not like this. I didn´t destroy your relation..." I push her away from me, a surprised cry escapes her throat, my anger rises and I feel my face heat up.

"Shut up. SHUT UP." I begin to cry.

It´s like when my father was still alive. Everyone blames me for anything and I´m completely alone.

***

These are not the happy, soothing memories I wanted.Did the waiter swap my order?

I take another bite, still chewing, and I squeeze my eyes shut to bring Ron back.

This can´t be all of him that´s left, there has to be something more, something better, I want to see Carl...

***

Scavenging trips suck. I hate it. I hate the rush, the fear, that any second a couple of Walkers could surprise us.

But Carl is a good leader and we got to the abandoned hospital and into the lab without any incidents. Unfortunately, I think. I just want it to be over...

***

Wait... I know this place. I don´t wanna see this, I don´t wanna be there, I´m gonna...

It´s too late, though I stopped chewing, the memory controls me, makes me see things, even if I don´t want to.

A grunt escapes my lips and I grip the armrest of the chair I sit in. Please... no...

***

"Did you hear that?" Enid looks at Carl, but he looks at me.

As if suddenly I was the one to make any decisions. I shake my head.

"You´re being paranoid. We´re gonna be on our way home in a couple of minutes anyways..." I don´t look at Enid, or Carl, as I speak.

To my surprise, Carl agrees. "Ron´s right..." But he shots me a look, this specific, sharp look... He knows that something isn´t right.

Nothing´s right.

Sam, who´d stuffed his bag full with any medicals he can find in the nearly empty shelves, startles when something in the distance clanks: "W-What was that?"

It comes from the stairs we just climbed. Enid was right. Somebody´s here, or more... something.

Carl loads his shotgun and points it towards the door. "Fuck.", he huffs, and Enid angrily stares at me.

I drop my gaze, stare at the door and through the small window on it, hand on my rifle, but it´s like I´m hypnotized.

My legs move without my control towards the door.

They´re coming. I can feel it. It´s time. Finally...

"Ron?" Sam´s voice is shaky, but I don´t respond.

"Ron?!" I don´t turn around, even though Carl´s voice is full of terror. "Let´s bail... There´s an emergency exit somewhere..." His voice trembles, that´s rare.

Usually he doesn´t show his emotions to anyone. Not even to me.

I turn around to him, still continue walking. I feel a smile forming on my lips, and I realize with a strange calmness that it ultimately happened: I got insane.

My head flies forth as the monsters enter the lab and begin to attack us.

Apparently I´m not completely nuts, cause out of reflex I knock a tall, pale Walker out with the bottom of my shotgun.

_Why are you still fighting?_ , I think, confused by my own actions, but jump on one of the counters for better fire line. "Aim for the heads!", I scream, completely disoriented and baffled.

Everything around me feels like it´s sped-up. My vision blurs.

Suddenly something catches my attention: The tall Walker I hit earlier, the one with black hair, stands up and heads towards the love of my life.

_No, not Carl, you fucking Biter._

I shoot him in the shoulder and I immediately freeze. _Why didn´t I shoot him in the dead? Why didn´t I kill him? Why..._

He stares at me with grey, lifeless eyes, his head tilted. He almost looks amazed, like a child who got scratched by a cat while stroking it-

"Smile motherf-", I mumble unsteadily. His former confused expression transforms into a murderous grimace and suddenly he grabs my legs and pulls me off the table and...

I scream.

_Why do you scream? This is was you wanted isn´t it?_ Yes, I think to myself. This is what I wanted.

But it _hurts_ , it hurts so much, the Walker slams my head on the ground and everything´s read and...

It´s over.

***

My eyes tear open and I can´t keep the brains in my mouth anymore: I spit it out and breath heavily, my whole body is shaking and something inside´s wrong, I have no idea what´s happening-

I know only one thing: I can´t eat brains anymore. I doubt I can eat any part of a human at all.

But if I don´t eat, I´ll die.

_What the heck is wrong with me?_

I turn my head to make sure Carl is still there - I know when I´ll see him, sleeping peacefully, I´m gonna calm down and everything will be...

He´s gone. The aisle of my airplane is empty and the door is opened.

He´s gone.


	6. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this one. Things about to get bad for our R, but don´t worry. I hope I´ll manage to write the Alexandria Safe Zone as close as it is shown in the show, cause as I said, I´m not that big TWD fan.  
> Please tell me what you think about it, I see quite a lot are reading this but I only get few kudos/comments so I don't know if I should do something differently...  
> Have a great day :)

My head spins and I get up as quick as I can and exit the plane. In a weird half-shuffle-half-sprint I approach the airport building, try to think like a human would do: Which way would I take to run away from a Walker invested airport? But my brain is kind of hurting, like it still tries to process what I just experienced: Ron´s death, how I murdered him and ate him alive, but from his point of view.

It was... it was terrible. A wave of sudden guilt overcomes me and I shake my head while running on the – luckily for now – off conveyor. I probably would have tripped and broke my leg. Which wouldn´t hurt of course, but running would be even more difficult then.

But... My head also never, never hurt since I can remember. I force enough air through my dead lungs to scream, but it´s still fairly quiet and croaked: „C-Carl?!" I know it´s not very smart to attract attention with loud noises, but I have no idea what to do else. 

Something builds up inside my chest: A dread, as powerful and overwhelming as human flesh is normally to me. _I have to keep him safe. He can´t be hurt, he has to be alright._ Then I arrive at the wide corridor to the luggage claim area – and I can smell him. _He´s alive!_ I follow his cinnamon-lemon-fragrance, turn around the corner and finally I see him.

He´s surrounded by half a dozen Walkers, lunging and hissing at him – _and his only weapon is a baseball bat._ I distinctly recognize his weapon of choice as a former part of my collection, but I´m not angry at him for taking it. I´m glad, I´m so glad he´s okay – expect he´s not. With an angry grunt he swings the bat and hits one of the Biters, a small, female one, who crumbles to the ground, her head a bloody mess. But there are too many.

_DO SOMETHING. HELP HIM._

My legs move faster than I´ve ever expected them to and suddenly my fist collides with the skull of another Walker. He goes to the ground, and I waste no time: I throw another punch, hit someones chest, another skull, and as one of the Walkers, who´s already lying on the ground, tries to grap Carl, I simply us my foot to crush his head with my shoe.

Carl took care of the rest of the Walkers in the meantime. They´re all dead – well, entirely dead. I can´t look at him as he drops the bat to the ground, crosses his arms and stares at me.

„You said they´ll forget me after a few days. It´s been a few days and..." He sighs. I gaze down at my hand and it´s strange – I can´t feel pain, that´s not possibly, but I feel a certain... pressure. I open and close my fist, I don´t like this feeling, it doesn´t feel good. „R?" I look up and wonder for a second if he can see how hurt I am, that he tried to get away from me without telling me. Again. „I have to go home.", he mumbles, looks at the motionless bodies on the ground.

I hesistantly shake my head. „I n-need..." I pause. I can´t tell him that. „N-not s-safe...", I mumble, try to think of something that would make him stay with me for a little longer, but the truth is: I can´t think of anything. Carl opens his mouth to answer, but I see a movement out of the corner of my eyes and turn around, ready to fight again.

My jaw drops. It´s M. I punched my best friend in the face and didn´t even recognized him.

„W-What?!", M snarls, obviously furious. He gets up slowly, in an awkward angle, like something in his body shifted from my punch. Carl gasps, picks the baseball bate up again and a little voice inside me asks: _Who would you choose, if you had to? M or Carl?_

No, this won´t happen. Shakily, I point behind me and stutter: „C-Carl..." M´s gaze focuses on him. He thinks for a moment, then he frowns and his eyes flicker back to me. „Living?" I slowly nod, and a new emotion crosses M´s gruesome face: Hurt. „Eat...", he mumbles, takes a shuffled step towards Carl and groans. „EAT!", he shouts and I flinch. _What the hell am I supposed to do?!_

But suddenly something screeches. A metallic, hair-raising sound which makes all three of us freeze. I turn around with eyes wide open. _A Boney_. „Oh god.", Carl whispers silently and the fear in his voice makes my stomach sink. The Boney screeches again and slowly begins to approach us.

 _Oh SHIT!_ „W-we go.", I mumble to both M and Carl, grab Carls arm and _run_. M stays were he is, but he´ll be okay – The Boneys don´t kill Walkers, only humans.

Carl ´s much faster of a runner then me, and soon I try to keep up with him, while concentrating on the footsteps behind us. We´re screwed, Boneys are so freaking fast, and I´m not really in good shape. Carl glances back at me, his eyes are full of worry, and he accidentally drops the bat – He´s worrying about me. So he doesn´t hate me, right? He just wanted to go home, I can understand that. I meet his gaze, then I awkwardly point to the door appearing in the distance. Maybe that´s our chance to show the Boney off the track? My neck tingles as the Boney gets closer and closer, I can almost feel it´s breath on my skin- Carl opens the door, I get out and he slams the door shut just in time.

Frustrated, the Boney punches against the door with its boney fists, but we´re save – for the moment. „Jesus Christ, fucking Boney...", Carl mumbles, swipes some sweat from his forehead with the back of his head and looks at me with widened eyes. I avoid wasting time, the Boney already ran back to the corridor to find another way to get to us. And if other Boneys will join him, we´re really screwed. „Th-This way." We had to make it to the car, it was our only way... I clench my teeth and continue running, Carl is a blurry figure next to me.

We make it out of the airport building, but just as we stoop under the half-open door of the garage, there they are – Three Boneys, waiting for us. Carl gasps, looks at me and behind us, looking for some kind of weapon, but finding none. _This can´t be it. Maybe if I at least try to stop them, Carl could escape and..._

But luckily I never have to try this suicidal venture. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a luggage cart appears from the left, mows down the Boneys and stops in front of us.

M. He grins at us with his gruesome, black lips, head tilted slightly. I couldn´t be more relieved, both because he saved us and that he seemed to forgive me too. And he actually doesn´t make any attempts to hurt Carl, he... he changed, just like me. But why? I´m about to climb the cart when Carl spits: „What?! Are you serious?"

I turn around, looking at him anxiously and pleading. But he crosses his arms and glares angrily at M. „You fucking asshole tried to kill and eat me not even ten minutes ago." I look back at M, with my mouth open. But he just blinks at Carl, untouched from his anger. „Want... to help.", he mumbles, and I see something new in his eyes, something I´ve never seen in him before. He´s curious.

Approvingly I nod and lean forward, gazing down at Carl with a hopefully reassuring look. „It´s o-okay..." He snorts, shakes his head and gives M another furious look. „Try something and I´ll tear out your arm and smash your skull with it." I gulp, but M just does something I´ve also never expected: He laughs, a dry, choked sound in his dead throat.

Carl rolls his eyes and sits down next to him, I get to the back and climb to the empty luggage dump, hold onto the back of the seat. „To the garage...", M mumbles and I shot him a surprised look. I´ve never seen him near the cars, though he knows I have one. _Has he seen us the other day, driving up and down the tarmac?_

I watch Carl´s brown hair moving in the wind while M drives us to the car, and I notice that his shoulders are shaking. It probably is pretty cold here outside, but I - as usually - don´t feel any change in temperature. At the garage M stops the cart, much more elegant then I did the other day with the BMW. Carl jumps off the cart as soon as we´re standing still, rushing to the red convertible with big steps. „I´m so happy you´re still here.", he mumbles.

I get off to follow Carl, but M grabs the hood of my jacket and I turn around, looking at him questioningly. He looks at me with a wondering, confused and somehow uneasy expression and asks: „Are you... o-okay?" I shrug. I´m not sure... I´m happy that the Boney didn´t get us, but... I don´t want Carl to go... At least this way I can get him home safely.

„Um... R?" Carl´s whispered words stop my dubious thoughts and I look at him. In front of him, between him and the car, there are at least fifteen Walkers, if not more. _Oh Shit._ I carefully, slowly walk towards Carl, stare at the horde without letting them out of my sight.

 _Why are they not attacking? What are they waiting for?_ A woman with only one arm tilts her head. A male Biter with several bullet holes in his once white shirt grunts softly. But apart from that, they don´t do anything. They just stare at us, me and Carl. _What is going on-_ Suddenly, something happens.

My whole world seems to be stopping by this gesture, it´s like the earth gravity broke down and instead... Carl is keeping me on the ground, keeping me on two feet and despite being dead, I feel alive.

_He took my hand._

It´s like his heat radiates from his hand into mine, into my arm, into the rest of my cold body. Into my heart. I feel a tingling in my chest and I look up from our intertwined hands to his face, his mouth a determined line, but his eyes are soft. _What is happening to me?_ Something in the horde in front of us happens.

A movement, like a ripple goes through the group. Like... Like the things I feel somehow radiate from me, as corny as this may sound. They part slowly and look at us almost... fascinated?

Softly, not wanting to make something wrong, I squeeze his hand and take a step forward. The crowd doesn´t move, just sways slightly, looking at us in wonder. _It´s... like a miracle. What is causing this behavior? It can´t be me and Carl, can it?_

But on the other hand, has there ever been a human and a Walker, holding hands? Being... friends? I don´t know if Carl sees me as a friend, but... We definitely have some kind of connection, and he... cares for me.

We make it to the car without incidents. „You... drive.", I mumble, staring at him with more affection than ever. „Good idea." He chuckles silently, though he still looks alerted and lets go of my hand, which makes my chest sting for some reason, and I feel something like... loss? I take a last look to the watching crowd and to M, who looks as fascinating as the other Walkers. Then I take the passengers seat, buckle up and just in time Carl starts the car and pulls over.

A scream sounds in the distance, like a fingernail scratching over glass, and three Boneys run towards us. But Carl hits the accelerator and drives out of the airport onto the highway.

None of us says anything as he slows down and it suddenly begins to rain.

 _I´m gonna stay by his side til we reach his home and that´s it. I´m never gonna see him again, we can´t be friends or... more. He´s human and I´m dead. This could never work._ My thoughts darken and I stare straight forward, ignoring the rain that soon soaks us both, makes my hair even messier than before. I have no idea how to pull up the roof of the car, and Carl doesn´t try it or asks me to do it, which I´m thankful for. So we drive through the night, in complete silence.

After a while Carl begins to shiver strongly. „I´m freezing...", he mumbles and shots me a look. I look to the thin fabric of his shirt and then to the pale, almost blue color of his bare neck. „H-have to... find place...", I suggest hesitantly, staring at him while praying that he´ll say yes to another night in my company. I´m grateful for any minute that I can spent with him. „... To sleep, t-tomorrow we´ll... reach the city..."

He studies my face, then nods and I look forward, try to hide the smile that creeps on my lips. _You´ll have to let him go eventually._ „You´re right... I´m fucking starving." His words stir something inside of me and I concentrate on my stomach for a second. But I don´t feel any hunger at all...

_What am I supposed to eat when Carl is gone? I have to eat or I´ll die, and..._

_I don´t wanna die._ For years I didn´t really cared for my faith. But now... Carl leaves the highway and drives through a small suburban neighborhood, where I´ve been before. There are no survivors left, I know that, because me and my species has pretty much killed everyone who was wearily enough to try to live in this overrun part of the city.

He randomly parks on the lawn next to a pretty big house, then gets out of the car. I follow him and have a hard time not to stumble over my own feet, cause it´s so dark.

"Shit, it´s locked.", Carl mumbles, then apparently tries to burst the door open with his shoulder. But... Nothing happens, he just tumbles back with the impact and I grip his shoulders to save him from falling down the little stairs of the terrace. He clears his throat and blushes.

I simply let go of his small, but strong shoulders and ram the door with my own. It immediately pops open and I turn around, a little smile tugging my lips. Carl shakes his head, enters the house and closes the slightly wrecked door behind him, mumbling something about height advantage.

* * *

 

We found some candles and canned food, in which Carl dug in as soon as he discovered a spoon in one of the drawers. I watched him eating, as always, but we didn´t talk much. Maybe it´s cause be both know, that our ways will separate soon? Something stings in my chest when I think about this. _I don´t wanna leave him, I need him..._

After eating, Carl leans back on the big sofa across from where I sit and puts his feet on the table. He took off his shoes and his plaid shirt, which makes me glance towards his torso in only a grey short-sleeved t-shirt from time to time. I startle a bit when he suddenly speaks, after not saying anything for almost an hour.

"At the lab... did you see a boy with curly blonde hair? He´s my age..."

I freeze. Unable to meet his gaze, that tracks me so intensely I can feel my skin prickle, I nod. _Oh god, why is he asking me this now, he never talked about Ron before, why now?!_

"He... He was my boyfriend.", Carl continues. "Like... we were together, a couple." I look up and stare at him. _What does he want to achieve by telling me this?_ I don´t know what I´m supposed to say, so I just nod again. He sighs softly. "Will he... come back? As one of... you?"

 _No, cause I killed him and eat his brain. Parts of it are still in my pocket, by the way._ I shake my head, shift a bit on the sofa, stare at the ground, feeling... not good. If I didn´t know it better, I would say I feel... sick.

For a moment, Carl remains silent. Then he exhales heavily and tousles through his wet hair nervously. "That´s good I guess..."

I look up. I guess he´s right... _It´s better to be dead than to be something like me, isn´t it?_

All of the sudden, Carl can´t stop talking and I let him. "You know, his father screwed him up. He was... depressed, I think." He snorts, but his eyes are sad. "As if this still means something nowadays... Whatever, he began to think I cheated on him, like I´d ever hurt him like that..." He rubs over his face with his hand and stares at the empty can sitting on the table.

"I couldn´t... I couldn´t reach him anymore. It was like... he´d already given up. I think there was a point where... he couldn´t absorb this... pain anymore." I close my eyes for a moment, don´t wanna hear what comes next. "I should have... been more careful. I should have protected him... It´s my fault he-"

I flinch as Carl grabs the can and throws it against the wall of the living room. I stare at him. A tear rolls down his cheek, but he doesn´t swipe it away like usually. He looks down to his hands, stands up and picks the can and the spoon up. "I´m sorry, I didn´t mean to...", he mumbles.

Without replying, I stand up and look at him, then press my hand on my dead heart. "It wasn´t... your f-fault...", I whisper, then lay my hand on his heart, looking at him unblinking, like I always do.

He stares into my eyes, doesn´t respond. Something builds up in my throat. I want to scream: _It was me. I killed Ron. I´m sorry. I didn´t know what I was doing and I hate myself that I did it._ But I can´t. After a minute or so, my gesture becomes awkward and I drop my arm, looking at the ground.

Carl makes a soft noise and I look up again. He looks like he struggles to find the right words, as if our roles suddenly were reversed. "...Thank you.", he finally says softly, almost inaudible. Then he yawns and turns around, after glancing at me once again, looking utterly confused. "I´m gonna go to bed... I´m really tired." I just nod, unable to say anything more, and sit down on the coach again. I try to prepare myself for a really long, lonely night with just me and my thoughts.

"Goodnight.", Carl mumbles and climbs the stairs to the bedroom.

...But then, he stops midways and goes back down. "R...?", he asks and I instantly straighten up, responding to the sound of my name.

"Don´t you wanna... come upstairs with me?" My eyes open wide and my jaw almost drops. _What?!_

Carl blushes. "I-I mean... I guess I kinda get used to... being near to you.", he stutters, twisting a strand of his still damp hair between his fingers.

I don´t know what I´m supposed to respond. _He wants to... He wants to sleep next to a Walker. He wants to sleep next to_ me.

_Holy shit._

He looks at me expectantly, so I stand up, still in some kind of shock and follow him upstairs. The bed is king sized, but I doubt he actually wants to sleep in the same bed with me. I guess I´ll just "sleep" on the floor, which isn´t that uncomfortable to me as it sounds. He sits down on the right side of the bed and I´m about to lay down on the ground when suddenly a gunshot sounds in the distance.

Carl gets up immediately, his hands reaching for a gun on his shoulder that isn´t there. He rushes to the window and carefully peeks through the curtains. I follow him with an uneasy feeling in my gut, glancing over his shoulder. _Are there other survivors? Someone Carl knows?_ "That´s... my dad.", Carl mumbles and I freeze. I can see a man with a beard and three other figures, they have flashlights, one guy is shouldering a crossbow. _Rick._ , I recognize from Ron´s memories. _And Daryl. And... Glenn. A search party for Carl_. For a horrible second I think, Carl is about to open the window and shout that he´s here.

Suddenly something shines brightly into the window and I´m too slow to react, but Carl pushes me out of sight and quickly gets away from the window himself. I stare at him, but he still looks out of the window. The light disappears, they didn´t see us and continue searching Carl further down the road.

"Dad... And the others... They would have killed you.", Carl whispers and turns around. "They would have shot you in the head and you... you´d just be gone." I hear the horror in his voice and stare at him with wide eyes _. It was me_., a voice in my head screams. _I killed your boyfriend, I deserve to die._

* * *

 

I lay down on the floor and stare at the ceiling. The only sound in the room is Carl´s breathing and the chattering of his teeth. I guess it´s really cold, and I look to him, wishing I could lay next to him, pull him close and warm him with my body. _As if you´d ever be able to hold someone while not killing him_., I think sadly and look back at the ceiling again.

"Fuck.", Carl mutters. Then he sits up and looks at me, I meet his gaze and raise a brow questioningly, still lying down. He sighs, then gives me an odd look I can´t quite decipher. "This clothes are soaking still... I´m gonna lay them out to dry.", he adds slowly, pushes the blanket away, turns around and begins to pull his tshirt over his head.

My head turns towards him automatically and I stare at his now naked back. _Holy Shit._ He glances over his shoulder and catches me staring at him. "What?", he asks, blushing slightly and sounding somehow embarrassed. "Nothing.", I mumble quickly, without a stutter, I realize amazed. Carl doesn´t respond to this, just turns around again, stands up and undoes his belt buckle.

 _... Holy Shit._ It´s not until he actually slides down his pants that I can pull myself together and drop my gaze, lay my head back on the wooden floor.

 _He could have go to the bathroom to take his clothes off. He could have tell me to turn around, or to go in front of the door_. But he didn´t, and I´m more baffled than I´ve ever felt before. Carl gets back into the bed and pulls the cover over his now almost exposed body, but I only fully turn my gaze at him when he asks: "R?"

"Yeah?", I mutter, still confused about what just happened. "You... have to eat people, right?" _Oh no._ I want to sigh and ignore this question, but since when does a monster deserve its privacy?

"Yeah...", I respond. "Otherwise... you´ll die?", he continues and looks at me curiously. "Yeah.", I breath softly. _But I can´t eat people anymore, so I´ll guess I´ll have to die soon. By the way, you would never guess what my last meal was._

He turns his body towards me and props himself up on an elbow. "But... you didn´t eat me." It´s not a question, but I nod anyways. I never could hurt him, from the beginning there was just something about him... Even before I ate Ron. I feel another sharp sting of guilt in my stomach.

"You... saved me. Like... a bunch.", he continues. I shrug, which is kind of awkward while laying down. "It must be hard, being stuck in there." His voice sounds sympathetic, and his eyes looks like they glow in the dark. He wants me to feel better for myself, but... with every word he says, I feel worse, because of Ron.

"It must be hard being... a Walker. But... I can see you trying. That´s what people normally do, you know? We try to be better... Sometimes we suck at it, but..." He pauses. "I look at you and you try so much harder than any human in my city." His eyes are full of sympathy towards me and I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and hide from what I did. _No, no, I´m not... I killed..._

"You´re a good person, R.", he finally says and smiles.

 _Oh god. I can´t... He has to know..._ My voice struggles more than usual when I open my mouth. "I-It.. It w-was m-me...", I whisper, stare at the ceiling again, unable to look at this piercing eyes.

"What was you...?" I take a deep breath. "I... I k-killed... R-Ron...", I explain, my voice even more quietly and glance at Carl, unable to express the mass of guilt and shame I feel in this moment.

He stares at me with wide eyes. For a minute, he says nothing, then he wipes his hand over his face and slightly slides to the left side of the bed. Away from me.

"I... I guess I knew that already...", he replies then, his voice shows none of his emotion, which is even worse than I imagined. I expected anger, rage, maybe tears. But this...

"Y-You did?", I ask and stare at his side profile, desperate wishing that we would look at me again. But he doesn´t.

"Yeah... Sorry, I...", he mutters, then turns his back to me and wraps up in the blanket. "Carl...", I whisper, my eyes burn with unshed tears I can´t produce anymore.

"I´m s-so... so s-sorry..." He doesn´t respond, and I lay back flat on the ground, swallowing hard.

_That´s it. You screwed up. Carl hates you and you never can take back what you did._

I want to disappear. I feel like the monster I am. And suddenly, I feel so incredible _tired_ , I involuntarily close my eyes and slowly... drift into the first sleep I ever have since I turned into a Walker.


	7. The Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!   
> Pleaseee tell me what you think about it. I´m really insecure about the whole Alexandria part.  
> Bad news, only four chapters left on this story! :( I´m thinking about writing this story also from Carl´s point of view, what do you think about that?

_The Dead do not sleep._

So I´m utterly, completely confused when I open my eyes and find myself standing in an orange forest.

I look around, frowning. _Where did the bedroom and the house go? Where the hell am I?_ It´s a beautiful forest, the ground is mossy and green, littered with orange and yellow leafs. The sun shines and birds are chirping in the trees. It´s peaceful. Not a single Walker or human is visible. I´m completely alone, but unlike usual, I don´t feel lonely. I feel... _good._

I´m wrong though. I´m not alone. Suddenly I hear a voice. But not just some voice, it´s...

„If you could pick any job in the world... pretend that everything´s different, what would you wanna do?" I turn around, my eyes widened.

In a meadow, surrounded by a clearing through the blooming trees, sit Carl, Enid and between them – I startle I bit when I recognize him – Ron. None of them look up as I approach them slowly, still wondering what´s going on. _I can´t dream. This isn´t possible... But what else could it be? Ron´s dead, and yet he´s here..._

„Nursing.", Enid answers silently and smiles, it´s the first time I can see her smile, I notice.

I notice other, even more confusing things too, as I get nearer. My legs... They move smoothly and I don´t drag my leg so much. I also stand up straighter, everything seems a bit smaller then before, cause for the first time, I see the world from my actual height.

„Really?", Carl asks surprised, but smiles as well. Ron stares at the grass, says nothing, like he´s lost in his thoughts. „Yeah... You know, I want to help people, save lives. Maybe... Find a cure, someday.", Enid replies. She has a really calming and nice voice, I wonder for a moment, if she could sing. Carl´s eyes sparkle. „I like that.", he whispers, then looks up at the blue sky.

I look at him, a small smile creeps on my lips. He looks so happy, so content, like I´ve rarely seen him in memories or while spending time with me. „I think we´ll maybe get a cure, someday.", Carl adds. „Someone´s gonna figure out this whole thing, and everything will be… better..."

Ron snorts. „No one believes in a cure anymore.", he mumbles. It´s really weird to see him like this, after only experiencing memories from his point of view. Oh, and seeing him in the lab before I killed him of course. Carl looks at Ron, then rolls his eyes. „Very optimistic, Ron." Enid grins slightly.

Suddenly Ron looks up and stares at me, which makes me flinch again. I glance behind me, just to make sure he actually looks at me. „What are you doing here?", he asks, his eyes narrow angrily. „Wait a minute... Are you actually dreaming right now?"

Enid and Carl also can see me now, Carl smiles a bit at me, which makes my heart – At least in my dream, I´m sure that´s possible – beat shortly. I glance back at Ron, a bit uneasily. _Am I speaking to his ghost, should I apologize for killing him?_ „... I´m not sure.", I reply finally, and a little, surprised sounds escapes me afterwards.

Not only walking, but also speaking isn´t difficult at all here. It´s so unusual and weird, but this whole... dream is. But at least Carl doesn´t seem to hate me here...

„You can´t dream, fucking Walker.", Ron spats and shakes his head disapprovingly. „Chill out, Ron.", Carl mutters and gets up, approaching me, still smiling. I stare at him, suddenly shy, even if this is not real. My body may be sure of himself, but I´m not.

„He can dream, if he wants to." Carl stands in front of me and observes me. I feel my heart shudder in my chest again, and in wonder I lay my hand on my heart, look at Carl with wide eyes and slightly opened mouth. He just grins cheekily.

„What about you, R? What do you wanna be?" His tone is surprisingly honest, no trace of his usual mocking and quite often sarcastic attitude.

„I don´t know...", I answer hesitantly. „I mean, I don´t even know, what I am..."

„You can be whatever you want, don´t you know?"

Carl´s eyes light up and he suddenly take my hands, squeezing them tightly. My smile widens, and my heart beats steadily now, it´s a wonderful yet kind of frightening feeling.

„We can right... You and me?", I answer quietly, looking into his eyes. Ron stood up as well, sighs and gives me an annoyed expression, but Carl ignores him, his gaze steadily on my face.

„It´s not gonna happen, lover boy. Not after you killed and ate his ex alive. And you´re dead, don´t forget that part.", Ron mutters angrily. I look at the ground.

 _He´s right... I don´t deserve Carl. I don´t deserve anyone, I should have been shot in the head a long time ago._ I want to let go of Carl´s hands, but he just grabs them even tighter and pulls me a bit towards him. „Don´t listen to him.", Carl mumbles, then reaches up to my hair and tousles through it.

I stare at him, then slowly lay my hand on his cheek, unsure of what to do, but I want to enjoy this dream as long as it lasts. „You´re not dead.", Carl whispers and I open my mouth to reply-

But then... I wake up, on the floor of the bedroom.

Blinking confused, I find my hands nestled under my chin, my body curled together, so very human. _I had a dream... I really had a dream! I was able to sleep! I gotta tell him, tell him about the dream! Not the details though, but..._ Suddenly I notice how _empty_ the room feels, and immediately sit up, know it before I see the empty bed:

Carl is gone.

He ran away from me, again. I get up despite my shaky feet, stumble down the stairs and open the front door, almost falling on my face when I rush down the stairs of the terrace.

I´m too late. The car is gone, Carl... left me.

I breath heavily, but I don´t know why, I don´t need air, so I stop.

_Stop pretending you´re alive when you´re dead. Stop pretending Carl likes... liked you, or cared for you._

_You´re a monster, and this is what you deserve, being left alone._

_No one will ever love you, get used to it. You´re dead. Don´t forget it, like Ron said._

I leave the house behind me and start walking home, to the airport. To my plane, my records, to M. To everything I know, it´s what kept me on continuing „living" all those years, so I can continue doing it now too, right?

...But how am I supposed to keep on existing without Carl? It´s impossible. I never wanted to die but now... I don´t care what´s happening to me.

I walk a bit faster, my legs dragging and my gait slouching, my eyes kept on the ground. It can only be a matter of hours till I reach the airport.

_So much for dreaming. You can´t be whatever you want._

_All I ever be is a slow, pale, hunched-over, dead eyed Walker. What I think was going to happen, that he actually wants to stay with me? It´s hopeless._

I stumble over an empty bottle lying in the grass of the large field I pass at the moment. I stop for a second, staring at the bottle. I feel the strange urge to grab it and smash it, but the feeling disappears and I shake my head about myself and continue walking. _This is what I get for wanting more. I should just be happy for what I had... Things don´t change, I need to except that._

I try not to think about him, but I fail miserably. My heart screams for him, wants me to turn around, follow him to Alexandria – but I can´t. He left me, he never wants to see me again and I can understand him. And yet... I pause my lonely march once again, turning around slightly to look over my shoulder.

_Carl..._

_It´s easier not to feel_., I realize and look forward again, even more hunched-over as I start walking again.

 _Than I wouldn´t have to feel like this..._

* * *

 

I don´t know how exactly many hours I walk, but it doesn´t matter. It´s not like I have to be somewhere, the perks of being a Walker.

 _I´m just gonna home, blend in and try to stop thinking so much._ , I decide, just as it starts to rain again. _I´m gonna forget about him eventually... Just like I forgot everything else. I´m gonna-_

Shit. All of the sudden, I can feel the change in temperature. _But that´s not possible, Walkers don´t get cold, goddammit!_

But it´s really _cold_ , I shiver, wrap my arms around me, disbelievingly. I shouldn´t be able to feel cold, I never did, why now? Am I actually... _changing?_

„Heeeeeey!" I look up from the ground, startled. A figure appears through the misty rain, his arm stiffly in the air, waving slightly. Is that... _M?!_

It´s him. _Why is he here? Was he... looking for me?_

An echo of the warm feeling from yesterday radiates through my chest, then immediately gets replaced by sadness: _Yesterday, when I was still with him..._ As M approaches me, I notice that he´s not alone: A couple of Walkers follow him at small distance.

When M finally stands in front of me, he stretches his hand out. I frown at him, until I remember what to do and take it, then half fall on him and let him hug me. I´m so glad he´s here, I don´t even mind the rain anymore that makes me still shiver.

After a few minutes, he pats my back, a bit unsure of what to do and mumbles with his croaked baritone: „It´s... raining... buck...ets... Let´s..." I struggle to stand on my own, as he lets go of me and points to a nearby overpass.

With my arms once again wrapped around my torso, I follow him, the Walkers behind us, but with some distance. Just as we reach the overpass, it stops raining, the sun shines through the clouds and I feel its warmth flowing through my body. It would be wonderful if it wasn´t for the hole, where my heart had been before Carl left me...

„What are you... d-doing here?", I mutter finally and look at M with sad eyes.

„Boneys... chased me out. Came to find... you. Where is he?"

I stare at the ground, my voice is even more quiet than before: „Went... home..." M sighs softly, then he reaches out and lays a hand on my shoulder, jostles me a bit to cheer me up.

I appreciate the effort, but I don´t think there´s anything that could make me forget the fact that Carl hates me and probably never wants to see me again.

„You okay?", M asks and gives me an concerned look, and I realize that his capability of speaking and his facial expression both have improved. _Why hadn´t I notice this earlier?_

I shake my head. I won´t ever be okay again. „Fucking midget... man.", M mumbles, tries to make me laugh, but I can´t. I only shrug slightly and get back to staring at my feet.

„Boneys... looking for you.", he tells me then. I just shrug again. So what? I don´t care if they want to kill me. „And him.", M adds. I look up.

_They are looking for Carl?! Oh god... What if they´ll attack him on his next salvaging trip?_

_What if they break through the fence of the safe zone, kill his family, kill him?_

_I have to protect him!_

M nods at my shocked expression. „You... started... something.", he mumbles thoughtfully, then lifts his finger and taps his temple a few times. „I saw... pictures. Last night. Memories." My eyes widen.

 _He remembers his old life?! He´s... changing too?_ „My mom. Summertime. Cream of... wheat. A girl.", he continues, and a little smile tugs on his black – no, now only _partly_ rotten lips.

„A dream.", I whisper in awe, and he nods again. „A dream.", he repeats. My head spins.

„W-We´re changing... I think.", I say louder then before, straighten up a bit. Suddenly I don´t feel so depressed and sad anymore. Something gleams inside me, warms my body from the inside – Hope.

 _We can change, I didn´t imagine things. But what does that mean? For me, for Carl, for... us?_ „I have to tell... him.", I manage to say without one stutter, then look behind M to the waiting Walkers, that stare at us in wonder.

„Will you... help?" _We have to get to Alexandria, without getting killed somehow. How am I supposed to do this...?_

 _No, don´t give up now!_ I close my eyes for a moment, conjure up an image of Carl in my plane, in our car, in the house, and I have to smile. _We can fix this. We can change everything._ I open my eyes and determination makes my voice sounds louder than it ever did.

„Help... find a c-cure?" A murmur goes through the crowd, some of them nod, though most of them just stare at me fascinated. But that´s okay, it´s more of a reaction than I´ve ever imagined getting from anyone apart M, before I met Carl. I look at M grinning, probably a bit lopsided, like he does.

„Fuck... yeah.", he says, and something bubbles up inside me: Laughter. I can´t quite get it out yet, but now that I know, that we really can change, I know, it´s not gonna be long till I can laugh properly again.

* * *

 

It´s nearly evening when M, the Walkers and me reach the first stop of our little journey: The hospital, where everything began.

I don´t tell M why I have to go there before seeing Carl, but he doesn´t ask. He and the others even wait outside the building, staring at me entering the hospital, like I was some kind of hero. The attention makes me want to hide myself in my plane again, but I know, I have to be brave now. If I want to change anything, I have to stand up for myself.

I didn´t look forward to get back to this place, even though I met Carl here. And though it wasn´t more than a few days ago, it feels like it was in another life.

As I push the door to the little lab open, I have to swallow. It was... a massacre. I didn´t care back then, but as I look at the dead bodies on the ground now, there rib cages opened and throats torn open, I feel like I get sick. Only the thought of killing and eating in general makes me want to throw up again.

„Never again.", I mutter softly and force myself to step into the room. Only three steps, then I´m at the counter where I killed Ron.

I stare at the body, the bloody mess, where his head had been, now only recognizable by a shaggy mob of blonde hair. I gulp again.

„I´m sorry, I k-killed you.", I say out as loud as I can, as if his ghost would be able to hear me, and maybe forgive me somehow. I don´t believe in those things, but apologizing makes me feel a tiny bit better than before. _I didn´t know, what I was doing. I was different._ I sigh, then turn away from the scene of my last of many murders to look for what I´m mainly here: To find Carl´s hat.

I know, because of Ron, how much it means to him. And maybe... he will forgive me more likely when I bring him his hat back? I know it´s a naive thing to think, but at least I can try.

Finally I find it, laying behind a shelve on the other side of the lab. I pick it up, softly brush over it´s texture, playing with the band wrapped around it, smiling a bit. _Soon I´ll see him again. I´ll explain him, apologize again... Everything will be fine_.

I don´t know where all this optimism is coming from, but I just know he won´t reject me. That he maybe can forgive me for what I did.

I carry the hat like it´s the most precious thing I´ve ever held, ignore the curious glances from M and the others as I exit the hospital again. _Soon._ , I tell myself. _Soon you´ll have Carl back_.

* * *

 

We are still a few hundred meters from the safe zone away, when I stop in the dark forest – which looks surprisingly similar to the forest from my dream – and turn around to my travel company.

„Wait here.", I tell them, look at M a bit nervously. I hope, everything will work out. Luckily I know a secret passage from Ron´s memories, where the fence is broken, but... _What if they already discovered and fixed it? Or what if somebody sees me and shoots me in the head?_ M nods.

„Be careful.", he tells me, I just shrug and turn around, try to appear more certain than I really am.

_You can do this. You have to manage to get to Carl, you can´t give up!_

With Ron´s route in mind, I slowly approach the tall fence which separates the safe zone from the dead zone. While from time to time staring at a nearby watch tower in horror, I look up and down the fence, trying to find the little damaged part of it.

This is where Ron and Carl used to sneak away in the night, to go on secret salvage trips or just to enjoy the freedom of the dead zone.

After about twenty minutes, my whole body is almost paralyzed with fear, any second I expect someone to appear from behind a tree and shoot me. _Think of him._ , I tell myself.

 _Remember his blue eyes, his soft hair, his small stature, his laugh..._ It helps. I calm down a bit, and then finally, finally find the spot I was looking for.

I struggle a bit to squeeze through the little opening, but eventually I manage to do so. Picking the hat up that I´ve thrown through the opening earlier, I afterwards take care to hide the entrance with the little piece of wood that leaned there earlier. _Okay. I´ve made it this far, now I just have to get to Carl´s house._

I slowly turn around, pull up the hood of my jacket and absorb the situation. It´s night, I´m kneeling behind some bushes, and I´m really glad there here – despite the late time, there are some people running around, shouting to each other. _Oh god. They will recognize me immediately, even if I don´t look like I used to a few days ago._

But... They actually look kinda busy. More and more people run towards one spot, what looks like a church, away from me, and I blinked confused. _Did they already see me? Are there going to get backup?_

I shake my head at myself. I´m being paranoid. _I can do this. I have to do this._ I stand up.

Stashing my hands into my hoodie pockets, like a human maybe would do it, I walk from my safe spot behind the bushed towards the little concreted foot way.

Into Alexandria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it!   
> If you like Nicholas Hoult aka R, you can follow my instagram account @about_a_nicholas :)  
> If you like Chandler Riggs aka Carl, you can follow my best friends instagram account @fabulous_chandler ! :D


	8. Alexandria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thank you for your patience, heres finally the next chapter.  
> Hope you like it, I´m happy about every kudo, bookmark and comment :)  
> Sorry for the length though

 

No one stops me as I walk down the clean, small paths of Alexandria. The hat in my pale hands like a birthday present, I try to stand up as straight as possible. Try to look as _human_ as possible.

I´m not used to ways like this. I´m used to dirty, trash-littered, weedy paths, often blocked by abandond cars. But this zone, as small and prison-like it may be to its residents, it´s quite nice to me. It´s so peaceful here – if you ignore the watchtowers and the few people still running towards the church, carrying heavy shotguns.

_What´s going on? This can´t be good, is this because of the Boneys? I gotta hurry, find Carl..._

I´m lucky the safe zone isn´t very big, and... that Ron knows it so well. It´s not very hard to find memory´s from him going over to Carl´s house, so I just follow his ghostly footsteps and inwardly thank Ron once more. Without him, I wouldn´t have come this far, I know that. And even if it wasn´t his choice to die and help me change, some part of me thinks that maybe, it was _meant_ to be. That is was my fait to meet Carl.

I guess I´m just a hopeless romantic.

I walk past a small lake, and smile a bit. When was the last time I saw water this clean? Probably a really long time ago, cause I don´t remember it. I stop for a second, then approach the water´s edge, fascinated by the still, deep water of the lake. I know I have no time for this, but I close my eyes for just a second, bring up an image stolen from hundrets of poor souls I killed: Summertime, taking a swim in a river or even actual swimming pools. Laughter, sunburn, icecream. _Joy_. I instantly imagine Carl and myself, but as a human, swimming together, enjoying life together.  
Maybe one day, this can be true. Everything I thought I knew is changing, and I think I´m only aware of half the change that is actually happening but-

Maybe I can become human again. Maybe I can be with Carl.

I open my eyes and stare into the dark water. The moon is giving just enough light to illuminate the evening, and I can see my reflection in the water.

I look at my reflection, while being completely aware of myself probably for the first time ever. It´s the pale skin and dark hair I know, the familiar red hoodie and grey eyes. But now there´s something different. Something in my expression, in my whole appearence, is changed. _I´m_ changed. I want to live, and I will do anything to achieve this aim. Suddenly, my eyes burn, and I do something I also haven´t done in a long time for this purpose: I blink, slowly, moisten my dry eyes, then smile a bit towards my reflection.

_We´re gonna fix this. We can do this._

I manage to stop my daydreaming and continue walking towards Carl´s house. I only have to turn left once, then I already can see it: It´s the last house on the far end of this side of the safe zone, a three-storey family home with white front. My steps slow down, suddenly I´m not as confident as before. What if Carl isn´t home? What if Rick or... Rick´s girlfriend, whose name I don´t know from Ron´s memories, sees me? And how the hell am I supposed to get Carl outside, it´s not like I can just knock on the door. I clearly should have made a plan _before_ almost standing in front of Carl´s house. But I just have to see him _right now_ , it´s a feeling so urgent like the hunger I´ve felt before knowing Carl.

As I get nearer, pulling my hood back down so he´ll recognize me, I suddenly hear voices – the same voices like in my dream, but this time, it´s real. I stop behind a bush in front of the porch, peaking through the leaves – and there he is. He´s sitting on a wooden chair, wearing another plaid shirt, his hair is wet – was he in the shower? I immediately get a warm feeling in my chest, straighten up even more, but stay behind the safe bush. Cause he´s not alone, Enid is sitting on the chair next to him, talking to him. I almost double over when I hear _what_ they´re talking about.

„... That´s really weird, Carl. I mean, I think I understand what you´re trying to say but...“, Enid says.

„No, you don´t. Nobody would.“, Carl interrupts her harshly, then sighs softly. „He´s... just different. Completely different.“

_They are talking about... me?_

Enid stays silent. Carl adds: „I know this sound´s crazy, but... I actually _miss him_.“

My heart makes another beat. _He thinks about me even when we´re not together. He cares about me. He misses me!_

Enid chuckles softly. „You´re right, that is crazy.“ Carl has to laugh as well, and I stare at his face through the leaves, trying to convince myself it´s the perfect moment to go to him and tell him once again how sorry I am. And that everything´s changing and that he has to give me another chance.

_But how will Enid react?_

„What is wrong with me...? I´ll never see him again anyways...“, Carl mutters now, but Enid just looks at him with a thoughtful expression.

„Hey. It´s late, you should go to bed. We´ll talk tomorrow about this, okay?“, she says suddenly and stands up.

Carl nods. „Goodnight... I´m coming soon, okay?“ I don´t know if I see it right, but I think he looks kind of sad.

„Sure. I´m glad you´re back.“ She hugs him softly, then goes into the house instead of leaving. She probably stays there over night, which to my surprise makes me a bit... jealos?

I shake my head about myself. I don´t have any right on Carl. Maybe it´s just Ron´s echo messing up my brain and playing with my newly rediscovered emotions.

At least this way Enid doesn´t walk past me. _Now´s the perfect moment, Carl´s alone, move!_

Before I find a reason to chicken out, I emerge from behind the bushes and walk, determined but slowly, to the foot of the stairs.

Carl immediately jumps up and stares at me with wide eyes. He obviously didn´t expect me here. At all.  
Shyly I smile at him, stop and hold out the hat in my hands, looking at him expectantly.

Something tugs on Carls lips, but at the same time it looks like he´s still mad about Ron. „What... are you doing here?! … Is this my...“ He glares at the hat in my hands.

I swallow. „Y-Yes...“ _Oh god, he still hates me. He doesn´t even wants his hat back. I wish I never came..._

But then, he walks down the stairs and stops so close in front of me, like in my dream. I forget to breath and stare down at him, unable to continue speaking. His warmth radiates from him and enfolds me, and suddenly I think about how it would be if I´d kiss him.

„You can´t just do this, it´s dangerous...“, he whispers and looks behind me with an concerned expression. But I can´t stop looking at him, his soft skin, his piercing eyes... „Came to... see you.“, I mumble.

He sighs, then shakes his head. „If anyone sees you...“ He sounds angry, but his eyes are full of worry. I just shrug, but then add without thinking what crosses my mind: „I missed you.“

Carl says nothing for a few seconds, but then he looks down to my hands, and there it is – a small smile, the sparkling in his eyes. „I... Me too.“, he tells me softly and I feel like I´m on fire again.  
„... I´m sorry.“, I whisper.

_I´m so so sorry about Ron..._

It feels like thousand years before he answers softly: „I know. I´m sorry too...“

I can´t even react at first when he suddenly closes the space between us and wraps his arms around me, pulling me into a tight hug.

It´s unlike everything I´ve felt before. It´s like every time he touched me voluntarily. Images flash behind my eyes, spending time on my plane, him taking my hand in the car park, Carl pushing me out of the way in the house so that his people couldn´t see me.

When he hugs me, it feels like everything good that ever happened to me, but a million times multiplied. I feel... alive.

I blink, then carefully raise my arms and hug him, his small frame back, almost dropping the hat as a result. I close my eyes, trying to enjoy this moment as long as it lasts. His chin lays on top of my shoulder and his hair tickles me slightly. His cinnamon smell is all around me.

„It´s strange... you feel warmer than I remember.“, he mutters and I open my eyes. _I have to tell him about the change, about the Boneys!_ But I can´t destroy this moment, and Carl doesn´t seem to pull back, so we just stand there, hugging each other, till suddenly someone gasps behind us. Enid, standing on the porch. Staring at us.

Carl freezes, then let´s go of me slowly, turning around. _Oh god._

„Who... is he...“, she whispers slowly, and I dug my head a bit, like this would make me smaller and somehow invinsible. Carl doesn´t hesitate, he takes my hand – He took my hand for the second time! - pulls me with him and pushes Enid softly through the door into the house, then closes it behind us. „Calm down, okay?“, he tells her.

Enid backs up, eyes widened. „Is this... _him_?“ I stay behind Carl, even if there´s no way I could actually hide behind him. Carl gives me an annoyed expression, then runs his hands through his hair. „Yeah... This is R. R, this is Enid.“

_Okay, guess it´s time to introduce yourself for the first time, R._

„Hello.“, I manage to get out, slowly walk towards Enid and stretch my free hand out.

Her jaw drops, but then she eventually takes my hand, but looking really... ambivalent. I shake it, then let go and try to smile reassuringly. _Yeah, I´m a Walker. But I don´t bite. Anymore._

Carl makes a strange sound. „You´re lucky no ones here, except us. Let´s just... go upstairs. Then you can tell me, what you´re doing here...“

I nod. Suddenly he grabs the hat and puts it on, a silent sigh escapes him. „And... thank you, R, for the hat.“ Without further comment, he almost runs upstairs, leaving me and Enid behind.

I smile, happy about Carl accepting my gift, and mumble: „Ladies first.“

Carl´s room is exactly like I imagined it, but I still stare at all his possessings in awe. His small bed, on which he and Enid sit, is neatly made-up, his whole room is tidy in general. I stop in front of his bookshelves and stare at the comic magazines and books, wishing more than ever, that I could read them.

His whole room is really different than my own home, I notice. Nothing lays around, no useless clutter or strange collections, like I have thousands of.

 _I just hope he wasn´t annoyed by my collection of idle knickknack...  
_ I feel two pair of eyes on my back, so I turn around, smiling at them both like this is a totally normal situation, like I just came over to watch a movie and eat some pizza with my friend and my crush.

Carl opens his mouth to say something, but he is interrupted by Enid: „How did you die?“, she asks calmly.

I swallow. „I don´t... remember.“, I tell her honestly and look at Carl, a bit helpless.

„How old are you?“ I shrug, back up a bit as she stands up and approaches me. Her anxious looks have passed, now she seems more curious. I feel a bit like a guinea pig, but I guess I gotta get used to a lot of questions from other humans. After I convinced them not to shoot me of course.

„You could be twenty-something...“, she considers, scrutinizes me, then glances at my torn and old hoody. „...but you could also be a teenager.“ I don´t know what to say, just nod.

„You don´t even smell rotten, like a Walker.“, she mumbles then, and that´s when Carl has enough.

He groans. „Enid, stop! He didn´t come here for an interview...“ Enid just smiles, sits down on a chair opposites the bed and continues looking at me with this thoughtful sparkle of her eyes.

I like her, I decide. She seems really smart and even though she´s a bit quiet sometimes – that´s a guilty pleasure I know myself all too well – she cares for her friends, I´ve seen it in Ron´s memories.

„Come to think of it...“, Carl adds and pats the bed, and I understand he invites me to sit next to him, which I do a bit nervously. „Why did you come here R?“

„To show... everyone.“, I reply, looking into his eyes with a determined look.

„Show them what?“, he asks confused, tilts his head a bit while doing so.

„That we all... can change.“

He smiles sadly. „R, no one here´s ever gonna buy that. Not that we even get you close enough to tell them. As soon as they saw you, they will blow your head to bits or shoot an arrow through your skull.“

I flinch a bit, look at Enid, who nods slightly, not looking at me, but the ground. _But we have to do something, the world was messed up long enough now. Something has to change._

„Wait a minute.“, Carl mumbles suddenly and I return to stare into his piercing blue irises. „Did you say... we _all_ can change?“

I nod, feeling a bit more hope than before. „Lots of us... are changing. We can... sleep and d-dream.“ I smile. „I dreamed... of you.“, I whisper, before I decide not to.

He blinks, looks like he wants to say something to the last part, but with a glance towards Enid lets it be. „That´s... damn, that´s unbelievable.“, he breathes with wide eyes, then stands up and starts walking up and down. „We gotta talk to my dad...“

„That´s a very bad idea.“, Enid throws in and twists a strand of her long hair around her finger. Carl stops roaming. „What other choice do we have?“

„Not much time.“, I say quickly and they both stare at me. „What do you mean?“, Carl asks and crosses his arms. „Boneys... chasing us. I think people here... already start up for a... fight.“

„Oh God.“, Enid mumbles under her breath and Carl looks more stressed than ever. I think of something intelligent to say, some genius plan to fix all this, but I come up with nothing. I look at my now-not-so-grey hands. _We cant fail, I can´t fail after coming so far..._

Carl sighs and to my relief says: „We just have to try to talk to my old man. He gotta listen to me, I´ll convince him somehow... But still, we have to get you through the city, R.“ He sits down heavily next to me again, closer this time.

Enid tunes in. „I have an idea.“

We both look at her. She has an unreadable expression and looks at me once again. „We could... fix him up. He hardly looks like a Biter anyway, he just has to shower and get out of those clothes... Maybe some make-up.“

_...shower? Make-up?!_

I shake my head. „No.“ _I don´t even know how to take a shower! And I will definitely not wear make-up, that´s only for girls, right?_ I involuntarily grab Carls hand that lays on his thigh, but he doesn´t flinch or drops it, just squeezes it slightly and reacts no more.

„Why not? That´s our only chance... Come on, I beg you haven´t showered in ages.“ He grins, but I still can see worry in his eyes.  
„I´ll prepare everything.“, Enid says softly without waiting for my agreement, stands up and practically runs out of the room.

_What? Prepare?! But... I don´t know what to..._ _So this is how panic feels like._ I stare down to mine and Carl´s intertwined hands, until I suddenly feel his hand on my cheek, again, like in my dream. I look up, unable to get out a single word. 

„Hey.“, Carl says. „What´s wrong? I mean, apart from the obvious.“ He chuckles.  
„...“ I could swear my face heats up, but I´m not sure. _How can I tell him?_ It should be easy to confess something like that, after telling him that I killed Ron. But still...

„I... I-I don´t know... how...“, I finally get out, peering at his face to see his reaction.

He looks baffled, but then he nods understandingly. „Oh... Okay, no problem, I´ll show you.“, he replies and, just like that, ruffles his hand through my hair. I don´t even know how to react to  _that,_ and it looks like Carl is a bit embarrassed by his own gesture  _and_ his words, cause suddenly he drops his hand and crosses his arms again. „I m-mean, I´ll explain it theoretical.“ He clears his throat.  


I just nod weakly and touch my own hair, where the tangency of his fingertips still burns like fire. 

Now that I am actually in the shower, I don´t know what exactly I´ve feared so much. 

Showering feels almost as nice as holding hands with Carl or listening to music in my plane, but it doesn´t even come close to Carl hugging me or ruffling my hair. 

It´s not even that hard, honestly. Carefully I pour some liquor from the bottle Carl gave me, whose name I´ve already forgotten again, into the palm of my hand and then put it into my hair. 

_Shampoo_ , I remember, and I´m proud I remembered. I can´t keep on forgetting things like I used to, though I´d never forget even the smallest detail about Carl.

Everything´s coming together, I can feel it. Everything's changing, and it´s fast and scary. But I´d also choose fast and scary over dead and slow and lonely. 

We just have to manage to convince Carl´s dad about this, and then he can talk to the rest of the safe zone, and we have to get rid of the Boneys as well... 

_How am I supposed to do all of this?_ I feel a pressure on my shoulders, unlike I´ve never felt it before. _Responsibilty._ _You made a choice, back then at the lab, when you saved Carl. You´ve acted differently, because you wanted to. And now you have to defend your decisions and you have to stand your ground and show everybody that you´re not the mindless monster they think you are._

But I´m not alone, I realize. I have Carl, and Enid, and M, and all the other Walkers.

We can do this. We just gotta have faith.


	9. Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I´m so so sorry that you had to wait so long for this chapter.   
> Please stick with me till the end, it´s about to come really soon.

„I´m done.“, Enid says and steps back from my face, finally. I release the breath I was holding for hours, or at least what feels like this. „What took you so long?“, Carl exactly speaks out my thoughts and appears in my field of vision. I smile towards him, but suddenly he gasps loudly and I flinch.  
„What the...“ He stares at me. „You look...“

„You´re welcome.“, Enid chuckles softly behind me. Oh god, is it that bad? I don´t even wanna look into the mirror.

But Carl says: „You look really human.“, and as he steps back from the mirror and turns it around so I can see it, I´m speechless.

He´s right, I am... I look human. My usual shaggy hair is combed and my skin isn´t as pale as normally. Even my eyes don´t look as creepy, and if I look close enough I could swear they now look almost blue... I don´t know what Enid did in detail, I closed my eyes earlier as she applied different things on my cheeks and nose and lips. But whatever it is, it works: Especially in the nighttime no one can tell the difference between an actual human and myself.

No we just have to convince everybody that I not only can act and look like a human without make-up, but maybe can change entirely, as the rest of the Walkers can.

We get out of Carl´s house and onto the street, Carl and Enid on both of my sides to guide me through Alexandria. Now it´s really late at night. But it seems like everybody is still awake, even more people than before are running around, heavily armored. Looks like the Boneys really gathered up... And they outnumber the humans easily, they have no chance... I swallow. I have to do something, fast.

As we walk through the community towards the church I saw earlier, I feel Carl´s eyes on my face, so I look down and smile questioningly. As he continues to look at me without saying anything, I ask softly: „What?“

It´s pretty dark, but I could swear I see him blushing in the light of the street lamp. „Nothing.“, he replies, but after a second he adds: „It´s just... You look kind of nice...“

I stare at him. I look kind of nice? I open my mouth to reply something, but Enid tunes in: „There´s your dad, Carl. It´s game time.“ She points towards a small cabin nearby the church, where a couple of men and women are talking to each other. Just as we make our way through the grass growing around the lake, someone suddenly steps in front of us, blocking the way. Immediately I recognize him from Ron´s and my one memory: It´s Daryl, and he looks at me in a way that makes my skin prickle.

„Where are you kids heading at?“, he asks curiously and I look down by reflex. Please don´t let him see my eyes. Please don´t talk to me.  
Carl steps forwards and crosses his arms. „To see my dad.“

Daryl squints his eyes and I feel he doesn´t stop examining me. Oh god.

„Actually, we´ve been looking for you. There are several Boneys attacks all around the wall. Seems like they gathered up all together and now want to destroy everything of the safe zone.“ He grunts and scratches the back of his head. „Grab your gun and get ready. Enid too.“ My eyes flicker to her, and she nods with a stern expression. Am I the only one who is afraid that they all will be killed by the Boneys?!

Carl clenches his fists. „But first, I gotta talk to my dad. It´s... important.“

Daryl looks thoughtful, then shrugs and I exhale silently. But then he steps forwards once more and taps against my chest, which makes me flinch hard. „Who the hell are you?“

Say something human. Say something human.

„I-I...“, I begin shakily, but Carl interrupts me and grabs my arm. „He´s new here, he... doesn´t remember his name.“ Daryl looks suspiciously at Carl and asks: „Is he mute or something?“ I duck my head.

Carl sighs and simply walks past him, pulling me with him. Enid is right behind us. „He´s had a trauma, saw his whole family killed by Walkers a few days ago. So leave him alone.“, he mumbles while doing so, and I feel incredibly thankful for his backup.

He stops behind a tree and turns around to face me and Enid. „Wait here, I´ll talk to him alone first.“ I nod, Enid says nothing, but I somehow don´t like the expression on her face...She looks really worried, like she knows that we won´t be able to convince Rick. 7

Carl smiles at me, and I smile back, then he turns around and I instinctively hide behind the tree, even though Enid snorts softly. „You shouldn´t hide while looking like this, you now. After all it was me who made you look good.“

I glance at her, take advantage of Carl not being here right now to admonish me and just shrug.She chuckles.

„Hey, dad.“, I softly hear Carl saying to Rick, who steps away from the group to talk to his son. He looks like in my memory, but a bit older and more tired. I guess he must be really worried about the Boney thing – no wonder, if we don´t somehow find a solution for all of this, they will break through the wall eventually and kill everybody.

I can´t hear the whole conversation due to the shouting around us and the howling wind – but even from behind Carl looks more and more desperate, his hands make fast gestures. Rick shakes his head and seems really angry. Not good.

Enid mumbles: „Shit, he´ll never believe Carl...“ I gotta help him. I straighten up and make a decision. „I´ll... explain.“, I tell Enid. She stares at me. „What... What explain?“ But I just shake my head and walk towards Carl and his father. I got this, I´ll fix everything and then me and Carl will-

Bam.

Without warning, Rick turned around the exact same moment I approached, so he bumps into me and I back up hastily, staring at him with wide eyes.

„R?!“ Carl is by my side in just a second, grabbing my arm and squeezing it hard. I try to hide the urge to shake and try to look determined, but friendly. This is not how I imagined meeting the father of my crush for the first time. „Hi.“, I manage to get out.

Rick glares at me. „Who are you?“

Okay R. Time to introduce yourself to the possibly scariest man in the whole community. Apart from this Daryl of course.

„I-I´m...“ My throat closes and I´m unable to bring out another word. Perfect. I drop my gaze, feeling not only humiliated, but also really really dumb. What´s wrong with you. You made it this far, and now you´re suddenly not able to speak two simple words?

„Is this a Walker?“

Oh god. I look up to find Rick staring at me with wide eyes. Carl helps me once again, and I´m unable to return the pressure of his hand, because I´m so afraid that everything will go wrong and that I´ll die here and now, in any moment.

„This... is R. He saved my life, multiple times.", Carl explains slowly. "He took care of me and... he´s one of the Walkers changing. He-“

All of the sudden Rick takes his gun and points it directly at my face. No. Please. This can´t be happening. Not this way.

„Dad?!“, Carl exclaims and tries to step in front of me to protect me, but Rick grabs my shoulder and pushes me against the wall of the cabin. „Pl-Please...“, I manage to get out. „W-We´re getting better...“  
If Rick is surprised that I can speak, he doesn´t show it. He looks at Carl and tightens his grip. „I thought you know how they are... They killed your Mom, Carl.“, he says silently, sounding almost desperate. Carl tries to speak up, but Rick just continues talking. „They don´t get better, it´s just a new trick or... form of them, we have to kill them-“ And he presses the mouth of the gun into my temple. Carl gasps. „Dad, no, please...“ I close my eyes. I´m gonna die without Carl knowing I love him., I suddenly think. He loads the gun. 

„I´m sorry, Rick.“ Enid. I open my eyes to see her standing closely behind Rick, pointing her guns towards him. She... saved my life. A feeling of affection towards her overwhelms me. I can´t believe she´s doing that for me. Rick freezes and looks over his shoulder.

„Run, get out of here and be safe. We´ll... take care of the Boneys.“, Enid explains quickly and gives me a stern look, but I can see the worry in her eyes. Carl nods, and without looking at his father again, he takes my hand, pulls me out of Ricks grip and begins to run. „Carl!“, I hear Rick yell, then I hear others screaming questions as well. I somehow match Carl´s speed, while trying to think of a plan to come up with. Shit, everything´s going wrong... „I-I gotta talk to M!“, I manage to scream while running towards the end of the road, where Carl house is. „Where?“, he yells back. „Forest...“, I reply hastily, but he just pulls me towards the fence to the entrance where I entered the community earlier. „Quick, they´ll come after us...“

I nod and follow him as fast as I can. Something inside me tugs and itches; a feeling so uncomfortable but urgent... I don´t know what it is. But the closest I would describe it, is the feeling of having something to do. The feeling to finish something.

I have to take care of everybody´s live, somehow. I have to change everything.

It was only M and a couple of Walkers when I left them, but as Carl and me now approach the dark forest, there are at least forty Walkers, just standing there silently. It´s strange, I wonder where they´d come from, but as I see them gathered together, absolutely peaceful... I have the urge to laugh out loud. It´s wonderful. „Wow...“, Carl whispers besides me, and I simply take his hand and lead him towards the crowd. They won´t hurt him, I just know this as a matter of fact. They´re already changed, somehow. Though some of them look really bad, with missing limbs and black wounds oozing, they all have the same look on their face: Lost, but also curious. Something is definitely happening to them.

And all of this... started with myself? It sounds unbelievable, but it seems this way. Carl and myself started this, and now we have to finish it.

Someone blazes his way through the crowd: M. He mutters silent apologizes, then he stands in front of us, grinning lopsided. „R?“ I nod, still overwhelmed by the number of Biters that are willing to change. „Carl?“, he asks, and Carl mutters softly: „Uhm... hi.“

„We´re ready for... a fight.“, M exclaims. Carl adjusts his hat and nods. „I can see that. But... My people won´t understand that you want to fight the Boneys.“, he adds and I nod in agreement. „You have to... keep them out.“, I tell M and he blinks, opens his mouth to reply, when suddenly a screeching sound is heard in the distance. „They´re here.“, M whispers.

I grip Carl´s hand tighter. „Shit...“, he mumbles and just when the first Boneys reach the crowd and begin to attack the Walkers, we begin to run again.

„We have to get into the zone again, without being seen!“, Carl yells as I try to keep up, but after a few meters something suddenly catches my shoulders and makes me landing on my back. The Boney snarls into my face, trying to tear into my chest.  
Carl comes to my help, again. He shoots the Boney, but just as I manage to get up, he´s getting attacked by another skeleton and gets thrown against a tree. The Boney is immediately on him, and though he fights him with all his strength, it doesn´t look like Carl is winning. No! I tremble when I get up, rush to Carl´s side and swipe away the Boney pinning him on the ground. With all my emotions – love towards Carl, anger towards the Boney and so many more – I punch him in the head and crush his skull.

Carl gets up, a bit pale. „C-come...“ I take his hand once again and off we go, to the secret entrance once again.

But the Boneys are right behind us, tough Carl shoots from time to time over his shoulder. And not only that, but now also soldiers are running around in the forest, getting attacked by Boneys. It´s a mess. How are we supposed to fight them?! There are so many...

But we Walkers can help them. And I can´t do anything for them right now, I have to protect Carl!

„Fuck!“, he huffs, as his gun makes a clicking noise, but shoots no more bullets. I shot him a look, then point towards the church in the distance, which now seems abandoned, where not ten minutes before were so many people. „You want to...?“, Carl asks, shakes his head slightly, but we have no choice – At least fifteen Boneys are now on our heels, and they track us to the – at least – open entrance of the church, which is now used as a storage, I notice. „Dad?!“, Carl screams and I turn around while running into the building, seeing Rick, Glenn and some other familiar faces following us. They shoot down the Boneys fortunately, but as a bullet almost hits my head, I realize that they´re also trying to shoot me.

„Shit!“ I stare at Carl, who stopped in the middle of the former church, which aisles are now long gone, then nods towards a inconspicuous door in the back of the cathedral. „This way!“ I follow him without asking, almost falling on my face when I see the stairs beginning right behind the door. I run up the stairs while Carl shuts the door and locks it with his now useless shotgun, and that´s when I realize something: I can run just like a normal person. It´s like in my dream, the stiffness is gone and I move without much effort.

What´s happening to me? Everything´s moving by faster now, it´s like I´ve left my old body behind, like I´m in the memory of a young, healthy human, only – I´m myself. I´m R, the Walker, but... I now not only look, but also move like I´m alive.

I reach the top of the stairs and slam the door in front of me without thinking... and almost fall down the clock tower of the church, at least twenty meters down. I get saved by Carl, who grabs my jacket and pulls me back into the belfry.

I turn around to stare at him with eyes wide open, and I have trouble to breathe properly. „T-Thank...“, I begin, but Carl flinches as the sound of breaking wood is being heard behind us. They broke through the door.

I´m gonna die. This is it. We´ve made it this far, but this is how I am going to die.

Rick and Glenn climb the stairs, pointing their guns towards me from a few meter distance. I can see Daryl and some other armed humans behind him.

Rick´s face is a unreadable mask, but Glenn looks... doubtful. He looks me up and down, but his gun is still pointed towards me.

„Carl.“, Rick says and shakes his head unbelievingly. „What are you doing, son?!“  
Suddenly Carl puts his arms around me, hugging me hard. „I´ve opened my eyes, dad.“, he tries desperately to reach his father. „Look at him, he´s different! Can´t you see it?!“ Glenn suddenly speaks up: „Rick, maybe he´s...“

„No.“, Rick cuts him off and straightens his arm that holds the gun. „Carl. Please move, I-I have to shoot him.“  
But his son only embraces me more, and I can feel his warmth flooding through me. I can feel life inside me, and suddenly my legs hurt and my mouth´s dry, and everything´s changing and before I can decide not to, I wrap my arms around him and push backwards off the clock tower. I hear Rick scream, but I only focus on holding Carl close to my own body, moving my arms around his waist.

I feel like I´m flying. It doesn´t matter what destiny the ground may bring, it doesn´t matter what´s gonna happen to me. As long as Carl is okay, everything will be fine.

My only purpose right now is to protect him. I don´t care about the Boneys or the humans. In this moment, all that counts is Carl to be safe.

Because I love him with everything I am, with everything that makes me... R. And I´m no monster, I´m no brainless Walker. I´m a Walker who doesn´t want to be one.

We crash on the hard ground and suddenly I can feel everything.

My whole body is on fire. The pain in my back is unbelievable, and as Carl gets off me, shaking me slightly and screaming my name, I can´t do anything but lay there with eyes wide open and stiff body. My lungs burn, my eyes are watering.

„R?! Say something! Please... Oh god...“ I try to answer Carl, but it´s like I´m unable to speak...

Until I realize why: Because I now need air to speak and breath. I open my mouth, breath in, and finally my lungs stop hurting so much.  
„R?! Please...“ He touches my face and strokes through my now once again messy hair, his eyes are full of worry and shock.

I feel something in my throat and have to cough, then I slowly sit up and flinch hard while doing that: It hurts even more now. „C-Carl...“, I manage to get out, then I suddenly have to smile and lay a heart on my chest. „I-I...“

He stares at me questioningly, then comes closer with his head and listens closely... to my new heartbeat, that beats strongly in my chest.

I´m alive.

Carl straightens up and glances at me, his mouth opened. I nod and smile softly, even though my body is still in agony from the fall. Without thinking, I place my hand on his cheek and stroke his soft skin with my thumb. He is so perfect. I love him so much, that it makes me forget my wounds.

He looks into my eyes, and it´s like he can see right into my soul. Simultaneously we close our eyes, and our lips touch.

It´s unlike anything I´ve experienced before. The softness, the taste of his lips, his small hand on my aching back, the other hand resting on the back of my hand, playing with my hair. I feel like I should struggle remembering how this works, but it´s the opposite: Everything feels so natural and good. Everything´s perfect.

Suddenly Carl backs up and stares down at his hand in horror. I follow his gaze, still overwhelmed by what just happened.

„You´re... bleeding...“, he says slowly and I realize that my head really really hurts. That´s when I hear Rick running towards us, the others following him heavily armed, ready to fire. I want to get up, explain them that we really can change, that I am the actual living proof – but without a warning, everything goes black and I lose consciousness.


End file.
